Fifty shades of pain
by Mrs.Quinn-Fuentes
Summary: What if after Ana leaves Christian in FSOG, she spirals into depression; as a result losing her job. She becomes suicidal and turns to self-harm. Kate is hardly there and it's four months before Christian appears again.
1. Chapter 1

_: What if after Ana leaves Christian in FSOG, she spirals into depression; as a result losing her job. She becomes suicidal and turns to self-harm. Kate is hardly there and it's four months before Christian appears again. _

**WARNING! Graphic descriptions of self-harm! I in no way promote self-harm. Anyone suffering depression/self-harm, beware this may be a trigger to you. (I get the Ana in the books wouldn't do this, but hey, that's why it's a fanfic. Keep an open mind, depression can hit anyone)**

All characters belong to E.L James. I merely own this particular plot. FSOG is all her wonderful creation, though. 

Three weeks have passed since I left Christian. I never went to Jose's show and I only went to the first week of my new job. I've had a warning already, but I can't bring myself to care. From the day I left Christian, everything went downhill. He tried to make contact once, by sending me flowers after my first week working. This was followed by an e-mail. I responded and told him to never contact me again….He listened and I haven't heard from him since. I still don't know what to make of all this.

I've blocked out everyone; I can barely bring myself to get out of bed and eat. I have all the classic symptoms of depression. I have no interest in doing what I once loved, I'm losing weight without a diet or exercise plan, I sleep constantly and I barely have any energy in me. I don't know how I could let a guy ruin me like this. I find myself crying every night. Some nights I don't even have a reason, I just cry. But the worst is the mornings…when I wake up and the disappointment that I even woke up flows through me. I never once in my life thought I would ever have suicidal thoughts. But on the rare occasion I leave my bed, everything I set my eyes on becomes a weapon of some sort that could take my life. I wouldn't have imagined my life could become this in just three weeks.

Kate's back! Then she's gone. Then she's back again! She and Elliot are always going away together. She's either working or over at Elliot's. They never come here….and I can't blame them. They've been dating for two months, and for two months I've barely seen my best friend. Does she know what I'm suffering through? I doubt it. When she's here I'm forced to put that fake-ass smile on my face and play the happy and caring Ana. When she leaves again or I retreat to my room the smile goes and the tears come back.

I thought maybe things would get better, but nope. They only got worse. Each night I find myself having a few extra glasses of wine, praying that it'll numb the pain for a bit…it does, but the pain still comes back in the morning; along with a hangover. You're probably wondering why my mom or Ray hasn't picked up that something is wrong with me. Well they probably would know if I returned any calls or went to see them. Now let's get to the current day.

"Ana, get up! We're going to the Grey's for brunch," Kate's voice echoed out from her bedroom. Little did she know I've been awake for three hours, just lying in bed staring at the ceiling.

I definitely wasn't keen at all to go to the Grey's, but I'd already denied three offers to go there with Kate. She'll start to get suspicious if I deny again. So with all the energy I could manage, I dragged my butt out of bed and picked out what I'd wear. All my clothes were getting too big for me; at least two sizes too big at the moment. I settled for jeans and a sweater. It was the middle of Autumn and as a result it was freezing outside. The jeans were the last pair I owned that somewhat still fit me; they were a dark blue and barely clung to my legs. I picked out a deep red belt to go with it so they wouldn't have the chance to slide down my hips. I had a white singlet to go under my sweater, which was plain black and knitted.

When that was sorted, I stripped from my pyjamas in the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the full length mirror. My anxiety went through the roof as the thought that Christian would probably be there passed through my head. I closed my hair and attempted to count to ten in my head but failed at 4. My body looked so tiny and fragile in the mirror. My hair was a mess, my skin pasty and unhealthy looking and my blue eyes stared back with no emotion in them.

I didn't want to deal with any of this. With great reluctance, I turned the shower on and climbed in. I flinched as the scorching water ran over my body. I looked down to see my skin rapidly turning to a dark shade of pink. The heat from the shower distracted me as I washed myself. Once that was over, I stood naked in the bathroom, water dripping from my hair as I took my time to brush my teeth, then blow dry my hair. I didn't worry about wearing any make-up. When completely dried and dressed, I put my converse sneakers on and found Kate sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, waiting patiently. She wore black tights with a knee-length green strapless dress and white ballet flats. Looking at her you'd think it was Spring. Her blonde hair was flawless as always, flowing down around her shoulders in a glow of honey blonde. I envy her so much.

"Well not entirely bad." she visibly winced as she assessed my attire. Standing she grabbed her purse and car keys from beside her. "Come on, let's get going buttercup."

I didn't bother taking my purse with me; instead I stashed some money in the back pocket of my jeans. I followed Kate outside of the apartment and down to the car park into her car. We didn't talk at all, she didn't comment anymore on my appearance and I was too busy freaking out about seeing Christian. What would I even say? Would he have a new sub already? What if he's now dating Mrs Robinson? Goddammit. This was a terrible idea. I should've just cancelled. Why didn't I? Everyone is going to feel so awkward, I bet his family hate me now. They'll probably kick me out. Oh god, they will. And that thought stopped me.

"Stop the car," I whimpered, unable to raise my voice any higher. Disadvantage of not speaking for a long time.

Kate scowled at me, not stopping. "You need to pull your shit together, Steele. You're not backing out again; everyone's excited to see you."

I shake my head, feeling new tears rise. She's lying. They're mad. They hate me. "No, please, this was a mistake."

"Listen, Ana, I don't know what's been going on lately, but you'll be fine. They don't blame you for anything, okay?" She sighed heavily. "Besides, we're already here."

Fuck! I spent too much in my head that I didn't realize we were getting closer and closer. Kate stopped the engine but didn't make a move to get out. Instead she reached over and put her hand over mine, preventing them from fidgeting anymore. I didn't even realize I was fidgeting.

"Ana…it hurts to see you like this. You may think I haven't noticed, but believe me I have. I told Grace and she wants to talk to you." Her voice cracked at the end. She leant over and hastily kissed my cheek before she got out and walked into the house, leaving me alone to think. She took the keys in with her so there was no chance of a getaway.

I don't know how long I sat there, no thoughts running through my head, just staring ahead of me. But eventually I heard car tires pull up behind Kate's car. My heart leapt into my throat as I looked into the side mirror and my worst nightmare came true.

Christian Grey stepped out of the black SUV, followed by Taylor and another Guard. Christian said some words to Taylor then slowly walked toward the house. He dressed casually, in dark washed jeans, a white shirt and a leather jacket. He looked perfect, as always. I lost my breath and was so thankful that Kate had tinted windows. I was safe. Now I'm definitely staying in this car until Kate comes back out after it's all over.

But no such luck. Grace walked out, but her surprise at Christian made me realize she was coming out to look for me. Fuck you, Kate. She kissed Christian's cheek and said something to him which caused his head to whip around and stare right at me…Or rather at the window, since he can't see me. He made a move to walk over, but Grace called him back. A few more words were spoken before Christian scowled and walked inside, shadowed by Taylor and the other mystery guy.

Grace walked gracefully over and tapped three times on the window. I was frozen. She'll yell at me, or tell me to leave. I don't want to be humiliated. I've been humiliated enough lately.

"Ana, honey, please open the door and come inside." Her voice was soft and welcoming. But I won't be fooled. I know you all hate me.

I was such an idiot by not realizing the door was unlocked and before I remembered this, Grace had already reached forward and opened the door. She knelt down so she was at my level but I refused to make eye contact. _I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your son. Forgive me, please. _I didn't deserve her forgiveness, though. I deserved all the hate they will give me. I chocked back a sob when her hand reached forward and moved a strand of hair behind my ear. Why is she acting so nice?

"How have you been feeling?" She asked gently. I couldn't speak. I couldn't bring myself to form words. What I've been feeling is a damn roller-coaster of emotions. She wouldn't understand, there's just no way. "Kate told me you never leave your room anymore, and that you got fired from your job."

She just had to remind me of that, didn't she? I already know what a failure I am; I don't want her and everybody else knowing. I'm nothing compared to them…or anybody for that matter. "I want to go home." It didn't sound like my voice. I sounded like a scared little girl. Not strong at all.

Grace surprised me by reaching across me to unbuckle my seatbelt then pulling me roughly into her arms, hushing like I was a baby. I felt disgusted in myself that I couldn't hold back the sobs that soon racked through my body. Her grip on me only tightened and I couldn't help myself, I pulled my arms around her and returned the hug. I didn't realize just how much I needed this. Affection, motherly affection.

I have no idea how long we were in that position again for. Felt like months. When she pulled away, she held onto my hand and pulled me out of the car, closing the door behind me. The paralysing fear came back and I wouldn't budge from where I stood when Grace went to walk inside. She turned to face me once again with a soft smile on her face.

"Ana. I know that you and Christian aren't together anymore, but that doesn't mean we dislike you in anyway. You're amazing. Please come inside and have something to eat, you're fading right in front of me."

I shut my eyes tight, trying desperately to make it to ten. When I did, I opened my eyes and nodded. Grace's grip on my hand tightened and she led me inside. A million emotions rushed through me as we walked into the dining room. Everyone was seated and casually talking, occasionally reaching onto the table to pick at something from the large variety of food that was offered. Mia stood up to run over but stopped in her tracks when Grace gave her a look that made her sit back down. I avoided everyone's stares and stared at my feet. I could feel them staring at me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I allowed Grace to lead me over and take a sit then she took the empty seat next to me.

There was an awkward silence for a bit before things picked up again and everyone stared eating and chatting once again.

"You should try the waffles, Ana. They're great," Carrick smiled warmly. I looked on the table but none of the food appealed to me. It was the objects that were used. Knifes…Forks…Glass that could easily be broken… All of it gleamed.

I looked up then and instantly regretted it. Christian was seated straight ahead of me, staring directly at me. There was a sign of stubble on his chin and his eyes were red from what I guessed was lack of sleep. He tilted his head as he assessed me and suddenly I felt naked under his intense gaze. My heart was in my throat once again and any little bit of an appetite I had was gone.

Hastily shaking my head, I stood up. "No, sorry. I shouldn't have come. Kate, I'll see you at home."

"Ana," Christian started. But I was gone. I didn't give anyone a chance to grab me; I didn't want to be there, or anywhere. Seeing him, it hurt so badly. More than I could have even imagined.

For the first time I wish I'd eaten recently so I'd have some energy. I just wanted to run, run far away from all of this. Maybe to another planet. Mars sounds pretty good right now, or Venus. Instead I settled for a semi-fast pace. This is why I'd brought cash; if I couldn't stand it and I needed to make an early getaway.

I was passing the cars when a hand grabbed my upper arm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the lovely feedback. I'm delighted that you have all enjoyed this as of yet. Now I must strongly warn you all, this chapter is the one with graphic descriptions of self-harm! May be triggering to some. Enjoy beautiful people. **

All characters of FSOG belong to E.L James, not me. This plot is merely my own creation. 

I knew who it was… I didn't even have to look behind me. I couldn't grab onto one thought; there were just too many. What was I to do with this? I couldn't face him. He _can't_ see how weak I've become. How much I've given into this…

"Ana, please. At least let me drive you back." Oh there it was. His voice wrapped around me like a soft blanket. I fought strong to hold back tears, and I was so thankful when I won that battle. Christian's hand still wrapped tightly around my arm.

Without looking back, I sighed and whispered a barely audible; "Okay, fine."

That made him release his hold from me. I almost whimpered from the loss of contact. God, I've missed him so much. But he wouldn't want me back. Especially with how I look now; just some lowly unemployed girl. I stared down at my feet as he walked me back to the SUV. Taylor and the other guy were already in the front seats with the engine running. I felt rather than saw Christian move in beside me then shut the door. And just like that, we were off.

For about five minute, neither of us spoke and it was fucking awkward as hell. I felt so embarrassed by being there. I hadn't gotten around to buying another car because I refuse to use the money that he got from my Beetle. If I had a car, though, I could have driven that and I wouldn't be in this mess.

"Ana, I miss you." Christian reached over and put his hand over both of mine as they lay lifeless in my lap. Heat ran through my body and for the first time since I left him, I felt alive. As much as I wanted to throw myself into his arms and beg him to take me back, I have enough sense left in me to know that'll get me nowhere but the gutter. Instead I settle for snatching my hands away and holding them to my chest. I can't have him touching me, it's fucking with my already fucked up thoughts. I also saved him the trouble of trying to talk to me.

"I miss you so much, Ana. I'm a mess; I have been since you left," he whispered, his voice breaking as if he is holding back tears. This breaks my heart all over again. I don't know why he's doing it. Can't he see? I'm not worth any of this. I'm worth nothing. I never was, I was just an idiot that took way too long to realize it. "I hardly sleep; I barely force myself to do any work. I need you, baby. Please come back."

I didn't want to look at him. I settled for staring out the window. Cars shot past us as they went the opposite direction. I felt Christian's eyes burning a hole into the back of my head, but I didn't dare make eye contact. I'd break, I know I will.

"You look so…lifeless."

That shocked me. Nobody's commented on my appearance…except Kate this morning, and well that was my _outfit. _I want to be with him more than anything in the world, but I can't believe what he's telling me. There's absolutely no way he could miss me, _I_ left _him_! I should be the one asking to come back, not him.

Instead of replying to his comment, I done what I've become best at: shutting the switch to any emotion that threatened to pass through me. I dazed into my own world and focused on the dark grey clouds looming up in the sky. The numbness flowing through me stopped any tears that might've stopped by to visit. Christian didn't speak…there was only silence, something I'd quickly grown to love and welcome.

When the SUV stopped completely outside of Kate's apartment building, I was shocked that the ride was already over. I've gotten good at blocking everything out.

As I reached for the door handle, Christian already had it open. Huh…I didn't even notice him get out of the car. He offered me his hand but I didn't accept, instead I climbed out of the car and stood in front of him.

"Thank you for driving me back," I whispered. I could barely manage speaking any louder. I felt so weak, like my body will give up on me any second.

Christian offered me a small, sad smile that twisted my heart and had butterflies throwing a fucking Doomsday party in my stomach. "Anytime. I'll walk you up."

Frowning, I shook my head vigorously. "No! Please, don't. I can manage. Thank you." I needed to be alone. The crippling pain was returning…and this time it has returned with a vengeance.

"Anastasia, I'll walk you up. We need to talk." There it was…his Dom voice. There's no arguing with that, and he damn well knows it.

He said something to the two men in the car, but I couldn't make it out. Then he swept his hand in front of him as a gesture for me to go first. I didn't bother waiting for him to catch up. I basically ran into the formal foyer and straight for the elevators, my previous weakness temporarily ignored. Christian just made it in as the silver doors were closing shut. The whole ride up I'm sure he heard my heart thumping quite harshly against my ribcage. I bloody could! He looked nervous as fuck, but I let that slide. _I_ was nervous. What'd he want to talk about? Does to want to tell me to never go to his parents' house again? That he's glad I left him? That he's engaged to Mrs Robinson now? Fuck! Why couldn't I just say no downstairs!? _Because you're an idiot who loves self-pity…_Ouch.

The elevator pinged when we got to my floor. Again, neither of us spoke until we got to the door. It was clear he wouldn't talk outside the door, so with shaking fingers I scooped out the keys I'd stashed with the money in my pocket and unlocked the door. Christian waited till I was at a safe far enough distance in the kitchen before coming inside and locking the door behind him.

"We really need to talk about that night, Ana," he rasped. He settled for setting on a bar stool while I rummaged around for wine or _anything_!

"Don't you think the time for talking is long gone…months gone, actually!" I yelled. I couldn't help it. I was frustrated. I needed strong alcohol to numb this pain. But I couldn't find anything. All I found was an empty bottle of red wine.

Instead of merely placing it on the counter like I intended to do, I slammed it down and screamed as it shattered in my head. A clean cut made its way across my palm as I screamed 'fuck', so loud I'm sure the receptionists at the main desk heard me. Christian leapt up from his spot and rushed over to assess my hand. It was deep and stung like crazy!

"Shit. You need stitches!" He breathed, his breathing rushed. Without letting go of my wrist, he lent across me and grabbed a washcloth, holding it firmly to my palm. "Hold the pressure down over it, I'll call my mother."

He let go then and stalked off into the living room, already on his phone. I was too memorized by the site of the deep cut that would just be a hideous scar one day. Nothing else mattered to me in that moment. Not even Christian being here. I couldn't care less. All the pain I felt earlier was gone, replaced by this sting spreading through my hand and up my arm. It was delightful, I felt in control over the pain I was feeling. Sure I hadn't done it on purpose, but it served me better than alcohol had. Alcohol sometimes went against and intensified my emotions, but this…this was something else entirely. The drops of blood that dribbled from the fresh cut onto my converse sneakers seemed to move in slow motion. Everything did, actually. A smile was welcomed onto my face, my first real one in months. Alcohol never had this effect on me. It's almost like I was in my own private bubble, where nothing could hurt me.

"_Jesus Christ,_ Ana!" His voice was loud enough to break me out of my trance. I jumped, my eyes breaking away from the clear gleaming shine of the blood. He stalked over and grabbed the washcloth from my non-injured hand and pressed it over the wound, blocking my view. The pain quickly returned but it wasn't as bad as before. I feel a bit better…which is strange. No hangover to deal with, either.

Christian stood in front of me, not saying a word, just pressing the cloth hard against my hand. "What happened with you? You're so….different." His grey eyes gazed into mine, not allowing me to break away from him.

Without battering an eyelid, I answered him as coolly as I could manage: "I died, Grey."

A gasp escaped his lips before he could help it. "Let me help you…please. I can't lose you, not again. I've been going crazy!"

"I'm past the lines of help, Mr Grey." I'm not calling him Christian out loud…I can't do that. If I act formal, he won't bother me after this and I can go back to the miserable piece of crap people are calling a life.

"No. No, you're not, Ana. You just want to remain like this." Ouch. That was a slap in the face.

Anger flooded through me in a wave. I yanked my hand away, this time keeping the pressure over my wound. "Go to hell!"

I walked off down the hall away from him, making a sharp turn into my bedroom and slamming the door shut. Thankfully he didn't follow me. A few tears escaped and I hastily wiped them away with my arm. Making my way to the bathroom attached to my bedroom, a smirk formed on my face. Christian Grey isn't as smart as everyone thinks…

Luck just wasn't with me anymore, because I felt that unmistakeable pain crash back into me. This time I know the perfect option. Alcohol won't work and neither will accidental cuts. I've heard of people that cut themselves to give them relief from pain…I never understood how they could do it to themselves, but right now I completely understand. It's my last option and I won't back out…_I_ _can't_. Wrapping the cloth around my palm and tying a small knot, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a sharp piece of broken glass. I find it crazy that Christian never noticed me pull a piece behind me. I think he was too focused on the gaping gash across my palm.

I thought long and hard where I'd do this. Wrists? No, too obvious. Thighs? No, I'd like to wear shorts in Summer. Plus I'm not keen on dropping my pants right now. So I settled for the next best thing. My stomach…not like anybody will ever see it again but me. It will have to do.

Standing in front of the full length mirror, like I had done only a few hours ago, I threw my sweater off over my head and tossed it into the laundry basket behind me. Lifting up my singlet to reveal my stomach, I took a deep breath. A shiver ran through me as the light coming in from the window gleamed off the piece of glass in my hand. Adrenaline pumped through me like crazy. My mind was reeling. My breathing sped up as the glass crept closer to my stomach.

The first was more painful that I imagined, bringing out a small yelp from my lips. I bit my lip instantly, preventing any more noise from escaping. The cut on my hipbone was small, barely stung. It still encouraged me as a single, small drop of bright red liquid oozed its way out. Bringing the sharp tip of the glass to my stomach again, I repeated the action. My hand dug down, the glass sliced through the flesh with ease. I carried that on till I was somewhat satisfied with the length. This one hurt more than the cut on my hand. I watched as I had with my hand as drop after drop fell down onto the floor creating a tiny perfect puddle. I followed my actions four more times. My entire stomach burned with the after affects. I just stood staring at my reflection with a big goofy grin on my face. This is better than anything I've ever had. I haven't had sex in so long I think it's actually better than that, too. The cuts almost look like they're crying. Drop after drop after drop. It was constant. And I loved every painful second of it. I didn't want it to end. I wouldn't even care if Christian barged into the bathroom right now. This rush…it's beyond everything and everyone. Nothing is better.

Eventually though, the drops dried up and the cuts I'd created were done crying. I was still on my high as I covered my stomach and carefully hid the glass in the cabinet beneath the sink. Time to face Christian now…

Pausing to look at my reflection, I felt I could do this…I finally felt a bit of confidence. Unable to wipe that damn smile of my face, I walked back outside to find Christian opening the door to Grace. But not just Grace, everyone had come with her! What the fuck, why? Why did they have to come?! I don't want them ruining this mood, it's too good.

"Ana, there you are!" Grace rushed over to me and hugged me briefly before taking my wrist and gently unfolding the cloth. When she saw the cut, she whistled. "This is quite deep indeed. Come take a seat, dear, while I clean it and fix you right up." I couldn't help but wonder if she had a double meaning to those last words but she didn't give me much time to ponder, as she led me over to the couch and gestured me to sit down. A tiny groan escaped my lips as I did so…not so smart sitting so fast because I soon felt the blood that had dried over the cuts on my stomach split open. I _felt_ rather than saw the fresh blood force itself out from my self-made wounds. Everyone soon joined us and I prayed that nobody looked down at my stomach. I was such a fucking idiot not putting my sweat back on! I'm wearing white, it'll definitely seep through. Goddammit.

Grace kneeled on the floor between my legs and begun to clean the gash on my hand. It stung and burned but all I could focus on was the feel of fresh blood. Thankfully nobody had noticed…or so I thought.

"Ana..."

I looked up and expected to meet Carrick's eyes, but instead they were glued to my stomach…or rather, my hipbone where I already felt my singlet clinging to the blood. Fuck…


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning : May be triggering to some. (Re-posted due to an error made and accidently re-posted chapter 1, sorry for the mistake guys!)  
**

I could barely move a limb. Soon everyone looked down at what had captured Carrick's full attention. I didn't have to look around at everyone's expressions to see the disgust. I felt it flowing around me instead. They thought I was disgusting, well you know what guys? I know I am.

The high had worn off now and I was left feeling humiliated and terrified as I sat there like a fragile little girl. _Please, please leave_. I want to be alone; I don't need you all judging me, just go! My heart thumped fast and my palms grew sweaty. Oh god, what will they do? Don't say anything, just leave. Stop staring at me like I just murdered an elderly person. I wanted the ground to open up and plunge me down.

I stood and turned to leave but stopped dead when I felt a hand grab onto my uninjured hand. It was rough, but oh so gentle. Turning my head, I made eye contact with Christian. I felt the butterflies again, and my heart sped up even more.

"How long have you been intentionally hurting yourself, Ana?" Grace asked carefully, not moving from her place on the floor.

That snapped some invisible band holding the anger together inside me. How dare her! I haven't heard from any of these people in months – and I know that's my fault – then they come here and question me about something so personal. Fuck them all. I harshly yanked my hand away from Christian and met Grace's stare.

"It was the first time! Back off!" I didn't mean to shout so loudly, I just couldn't hold anything back.

Grace flinched, obviously hurt by my sudden outburst. "Ana. This isn't healthy. You need serious help before this gets worse."

I clenched my teeth together. A million thoughts were flying through me, my breathing was harsh. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to do _something_! "I know what I'm doing."

Grace stood up slowly. She acted as though it was just me and her, and that fucking pissed me off. We have an audience, don't try and act like we don't. "Honey…I've seen cases where this gets out of control, more than half of the time it ends in death. We all want you to be safe and happy." She came to stand in front of me cautiously.

Not breaking away from her stare, I whispered as innocently as I could: "Maybe my end result _is_ death."

"Goddammit, Ana!" That surprised me as it came from Christian and not Grace. Why do you care, Grey? I hurt you, you should hate me. Why are you still here? "Let us help you. It hurts to see you like this. So…broken." I will admit I was shocked to see Christian talking so openly about his feelings, and I think it shocked everyone else too. Especially with what he said next. "I love you, Anastasia. I'm in love with you and I'll do everything I can to make you happy again!"

My eyes welled up and that made me even angrier. I'm not angry at them, though, I'm angry at _me_. I left him. I should be in his shoes, begging to come back, begging him to take me back. This is all wrong. He shouldn't care about me. He should be moving on to someone who deserves him, someone who is worthy of him. That person isn't me.

"Stop!" I screeched. Raising my voice helped soothe the anger a bit, but not completely. I felt horrible that my anger was being directed at them. It's not their fault, none of it is their fault; it's all on me. They need to realize this.

"I won't stop!" Christian shouted back. I didn't flinch or cringe back, but I noticed Grace did. Finally, he was angry with me. He wasn't showing compassion, and _this_, this anger, it's all I deserved. "I need you. And I'm not leaving you." He ran both hands through his tousled hair and took a deep breath for speaking again in a low voice. "You're coming back to stay with me. I need you safe."

"I'm not a baby. I survived these two months without you and I can do it again," I screamed in his face. I was breaking, I could feel it. I needed him, but I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone_. I wish I could, Christian, but please understand I can't_. How did you get to have so much control over who I am?! That leaving you would turn me into this empty, pathetic, worthless thing. I don't need to be saved; I'm past the point of saving. I'm too far into my personal hell. I don't want you sucked into it, too. Get as far away as me as you can.

I turned to run into my bedroom but didn't make it that far because my legs gave out under me and I fell to the floor, only six feet from my open bedroom door. Pain shot through my body as I slammed face first onto the floor with a loud bang. My injured hand landed flat, causing a flow of pain up my arm, bringing a harsh gasp from my lips. That wasn't the worse pain, though, that was my hipbone. It slammed roughly against the floorboards; the cuts split open an inch or so more. This pain was worse than the actual act, and the emptiness in my stomach didn't help. I hadn't realized earlier just how hungry I was. I haven't eaten in about 26 hours now and I was quite surprised that I've actually made it this far without collapsing.

I heard Grace letting everyone out at the time of my loud thud, so they didn't hear me over their goodbyes. Christian did, though. Before I could decide if I'd even both fighting through the physical pain and getting my worthless ass up, I was being swept up into his arms and carried into my bedroom. He laid me gently on the bed without saying a word. I've never seen him look so scared and helpless. It stomped on the shattered pieces of my already broken heart. Oh baby, what I'd do to take all this back. I miss being happy with you more than anything. I was a nervous wreck as he tenderly reached down and pressed his lips firmly to my forehead, leaving them there for almost a full minute. When he pulled away he didn't look at me directly, he instead walked away and stopped at the doorway, facing away from me still.

"I meant it when I said I'll be doing everything I can to bring you back," he whispered, his voice traced with agony.

When he left, leaving the door wide open, I noticed how exhausted I was. Mentally and physically. I wish he hadn't just said that, though. I can't sleep with his words running a marathon in my fucking head. I knew it was all a show; my cut on my hand had dried up and the cuts on my hipbone no longer burned from my fall. A small throbbing sensation was left in its place. It'll heal completely in its own time.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I'm guessing I did. Because without opening my eyes, I felt a strange tugging feeling in my palm and something being rubbing into my hipbone. What the… Just as I was about to open my eyes, I heard them start talking, so my eyes remained shut and I listened.

"How far in is she?" It was Christian. His voice floated up from the end of the bed. I imagined it was him rubbing some liquid thing over my cuts. It didn't hurt; whatever it was. In fact…nothing hurt. I didn't feel anything, just tiredness. Did Grace give me something? I feel funny.

"She has depression, there's no doubt about that. But there's still hope. I've checked and there are no other signs of self-inflicted wounds. So this was her first attempt. The most important thing to do now is to keep a very close eye on her. Don't allow any sharp or harmful objects to be around her. Self-harm can very easily turn into a dangerous addiction that is quite fatal. She won't get better overnight, Christian." It was Grace. And by how close her voice was, I knew it was her doing the tugging at my hand. "I'm guessing she thinks very low of herself right now and she needs to know she's cared for and loved. It's important right not."

"She's so different. Seeing her like this…" There was a small pause as I heard him take a deep breath. "It's worse than any pain I've felt before."

It was quiet for about five minutes while Grace worked on my hand. "You really do care about her." It was more of a statement, but Christian still answered her.

"I love her."

"I can tell."

I couldn't listen to anymore. I felt so guilty about Christian, but Grace was right. I do think low of myself and why shouldn't I? I'm not a multi-billionaire like him. I have student loans I'm paying off, I'm unemployed, and I'm not pretty enough for him. He could easily get some perfect model, so why is he still hanging around?! I can't believe he actually loves me; I'm not a person that one could love.

I felt myself drifting into a deep sleep again. I let go and let it take me away.

The two voices were now joined by a man with an English accent. How long have I been sleeping?

"So the morphine is working well?" English man asked. His voice came from my left side.

"As far as I can tell; yes. She didn't wake up at all in the ride over. We're going to try and wake her up in about 10 minutes." There was Grace; her voice floated up from the end of the bed. "Mrs Jones is currently making something for her to eat."

There was a small pause.

"And she hasn't eaten at all in the past 26 hours?" English guy once again. The tone of his voice was professional. Who is he?

"No. We tried to wake her at her apartment to feed her, but she was unresponsive." Grace's voice was so soft it warmed me.

"Why hasn't she woken up?" Christian's loud voice demanded from right beside my head. I then felt a hand grasp onto my hand as it limply at my side.

"It's a symptom of depression. You can sleep for hours more than you need you." Grace once again. "She's fine, Christian. She just needs food, which she will have soon."

I heard Christian groan in pain. Oh my poor baby. He seems to be in so much pain because of all this. I wish I'd never gone to that stupid brunch. I could have avoided all this mess; they wouldn't be trying to 'help' me. I'd be in my bed, all alone and sleeping. That's all I've come to know now. I _miss_ it.

"I say it's time we wake her up to eat; Mrs Jones should be finished." I felt her warm hand reach over and stoke my cheek. I flinched at the unexpected contact. "Ana. Can you open your eyes? Please. You need to eat something." I wanted to open my eyes. It wasn't until she said food that I'd noticed just how hungry I was. It felt like the blood pooling around in my stomach had turned to acid and was gnawing at me from the inside. I knew then that they'd brought me to Escala. So he was actually serious about keeping me here.

"Please, baby. I need you healthy." Oh Christian. I can never be what you need.

After quite a bit of time struggling mentally to get fully awake, I squinted my eyes open and saw Grace and Christian leaning over me.

"Finally," Christian breathed, bringing his head to rest in my neck as he hugged me to him in a vice grip.

"Is she awake? Her lunch is ready." Mrs Jones walked in slowly and carefully, smiling when she saw I was in fact awake.

I noticed the smell coming from the tray she was carrying in front of her then. Chicken soup, potato's, and garlic bread? It smelt so good my mouth almost begun watering. She brought the tray over and waited patiently beside the bed until Christian had let go of me and sat me up against a stash of pillows. Then she brought the tray to my lap where my suspicions were proved to be right. I haven't had garlic bread with chicken soup since I was a kid and I'd get a cold or something. My mom would come with homemade chicken soup and garlic bread; it always made me feel 100x times better. And closing my eyes right now, with all the pain numbed away, I could imagine lying in bed with my mum carrying in chicken soup and garlic bread. It almost, _almost_, made me smile.

"Time to get some energy back into you, dear," Grace smiled. "We can wait outside if you like?"

Looking over at Christian, I saw that he clearly didn't want to leave me. But I needed to be alone. I needed to think and thanks to whatever Grace injected with me, I'll have only my thoughts to focus on. No overwhelming emotions. I nodded, silently begging them to leave me alone.

Grace bent to press a lingering kiss to the top of my head before she left the room with Mrs Jones following her. Christian waited until they were out of earshot before he looked back over at me. And that's when I saw something that made me die a million deaths.

Christian Grey was crying.

Not blubbering like a baby, or sobbing, but tears ran down his face as he stared me with such intense pain.

And I don't know if it was my guilt or what, but what I done next shocked him and me. I grabbed his face between my hands, ignoring the rough stubble that prickled at my hands, and I titled my face up slightly to crush my lips against his.

**A/N; if there are any mistakes, I apologize! I don't have time to proof-read it.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N ; I enjoyed writing the previous chapters but from this chapter and on, Ana will be recovering. I was planning to carry this on longer, but as someone who is suffering depression, it's quite triggering and difficult for me to write, hence the somewhat late update. Her road to recovery won't be completely accurate also, because that is something I've not done been through, but I will try. Ps. If you don't already know, I fixed up chapter 3 so it's now actually chapter 3 and not chapter 1. **

"Ana." He gasped, pulling away from me to stare into my eyes, silently asking if I'm sure. I nodded and pulled him back. He moaned as our lips made contact once again.

_This_. This is what I miss, the feelings he could make me feel with just a kiss. It was short but perfect. When he pulled back for a second time, he stroked his thumb across my cheek and ran his tongue across his bottom lip. I gasped. Oh how I've missed this man.

My heart was doing somersaults in my chest. I haven't felt this in months and I didn't ever want it to leave. I didn't want to leave him. I'd never find myself worthy; I'd never believe I'm 'worthy'. But maybe, just maybe, I could be happy still.

"Stay with me," I whispered, my hands still clasped on his cheeks. I slid them into his hair and relished in the softness of his hair.

Christian let out an All-American-Boy smile. "Forever, baby." I felt as if I were floating on fucking cloud nine. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the swell of happiness and joy that flew through me. After all, I didn't know how long it'll last.

Christian pulled away from me then, and my face dropped. I wasn't even aware I was smiling, but apparently I was as my cheeks were starting to ache in protest. He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "You need to eat." He pointed to the plate of delicious looking food sitting on my lap then proceeded to sit beside me on the bed… on _his_ bed.

I started off with small bites. It tasted so perfect, but I could hardly enjoy it. My mind suddenly became so flooded. I knew the feeling wouldn't last, but it was good while it lasted. If only it could've stayed. I hadn't realized just _how_ much I missed feeling happy; I miss the feeling of being in love with someone. I'd spent so long trying to block out any feelings toward Christian, and now I'm here with him, there's no stopping them from coming back. It took about fifteen minutes for me to eat everything and by that time, Christian had to go and talk to someone outside. He wouldn't say who, just that he'd be back and he loves me. Why can't I believe him when he says it? It sounds so wonderful to hear and I love when he says it, but I can't bring myself to believe him. Why?

I placed the plate on the bedside table and stood on wobbly legs. Slowly going toward the window overlooking Seattle, I noted that I must've slept all day, because the sky was a cloud of black except a few stars scattered around everywhere. Looking at the time I saw it was just a bit after 8. Why didn't they wake me up earlier? I had a headache from everything that has happened. I'm grateful they've all stepped in and are trying to help me, but I can't help but think I don't deserve to be helped. There are people with more serious problems than me; they should be helping them, not me. There is nothing special about me.

I decided to check out the damage on myself, so I went over to the full length mirror in Christian's bedroom and, quickly checking that the door is locked, lifted my shirt to check it out.

Guilt and sadness swept through me. Impulse decisions never go down well. Like tattoo's. I hadn't thought of the scars that would remain there. I just wanted the pain to go, I hadn't thought about the aftermath. What if I have kids and they ask how I got these scars?! I couldn't possibly tell them the truth… The skin surrounding the cuts were puffed up and red. I reached out and gently pressed down on them. It hurt but surprisingly not that much.

"Do you regret it?"

I was so focused that I didn't hear the door open. I turned and faced the blonde-haired middle-aged man. He was the one with Grace and Christian earlier, with the English accent. I only stared at him through the mirror, bringing my shirt to cover my stomach.

"I'm Dr Flynn. Please, will you sit?" He gestured to the bed, taking a seat on the bed before I moved and sat beside him. What's he going to say to me? Will he lecture me? Please no. I know I've done wrong, I know I shouldn't have done this. I do regret it, I didn't think about the lifelong scars I'll have. No doubt he'll yell at me. Damn.

"I do regret it," I whispered, answering his question from when he first walked in. My pulse quickened, I was so nervous. I didn't want to talk about this, it's so humiliating. He'll judge me; think I'm even more pathetic. I wish none of them had found out. I was so stupid.

"What do you regret most? That you done it or got caught?" His face was expressionless, his tone strictly kept professional.

I lifted one shoulder in an awkward shrug. "A bit of both…. But more about getting caught." There, I said it. I'll be honest, Flynn, but only because I want to be _me_ again. I've lost myself and I'm so worried I'm too far in to find myself again.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Anastasia." I could feel his eyes piercing a hole into the side of my head but I couldn't face his gaze, I settled for locking eyes with my feet.

"I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

I risked at peek at him as I swept some loose strands of hair behind my ear hastily. My heart was running a fucking marathon in there. Why's it so hard to say all this out loud? I have no problem thinking any of it. "I don't know. I just feel…" God. I can't. He'll send me away for being some crazy bitch.

"Anastasia, it's okay," Dr Flynn smiled encouragingly. "I won't judge you, I promise."

I was fooling myself into thinking talking to somebody would be easy. I won't get anywhere if I don't give this a shot, though, I know this. So after counting to ten in my head and taking a few deep breaths, I told him what I was thinking. "I feel like a failure… like I'm not worth anyone's time or energy. There are people with it worse than me, they should be helping them."

"Why don't you feel good enough? Is it so hard to believe that they're helping you because they love you and care deeply for you?"

I remained silent for a few minutes, trying to calm down myself down. I was being so stupid, it isn't that bad. There's no reason to freak out. I'm just scared he's going to get too personal or he'll yell at me for leaving Christian and triggering all this.

By the time I answered him, my pulse had slowed down a lot and I was able to somewhat relax. "I can't believe that anyone truly cares for me. Look at me, I'm just some pathetic girl that isn't going anywhere in life." My hatred for myself went through the roof as my eyes watered. I fucking hate this man for making me talk. I'd give anything to be somewhere else right now. _Anywhere_.

Dr Flynn nodded as he processed my words. It's okay, doc, I know I'm fucked up.

"You don't have to deal with me. I'm not important, I'm sure you have people with bigger issues," I wept. Fuck, why do I have emotions?! It wasn't long before I was sobbing like some baby, goddammit.

"Ana, you're 'issues' important to me now. Take a deep breath," he instructed. I did what he said and soon my sobs calmed down to silent tears. "I understand how you believe all this. Recovering won't happen overnight, it won't be easy. You'll have good days and you'll have really bad days, but what will get you through the bad days are the people around you and yourself. You need to be willing to get through you, you need to have faith."

I straightened up and took his words in, letting them absorb in my head. Did I want things to get better? _Of course I did_. I don't want this to last any longer, I want to be happy, and hopefully I could be happy with Christian. "I want this to end. "

"The depression or your life?" He asked seriously. I glanced at his face and saw concern lacing in his eyes, but he quickly hid it and pulled on a very well poker face.

I stared down at my knotted hands sitting in my lap. My heart pounded. There's no point in lying anymore. "Both."

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." With that said, he stood abruptly. "I'll leave you be now. You should know, also, everyone is downstairs worrying about you. So don't think for a second nobody cares, Ana."

He left, leaving me with an ongoing silence. I had a piercing headache with all the thoughts that swarmed through my head. I wanted to scream and throw things. Why does the thought of staying terrify me so much?! I don't think I can do this, they won't be able to handle me for long, I just know it. They'll get annoyed and realize that I'm not worth the time at all. I stayed sitting exactly where I was, with no desire to get up and or move to a more comfortable position. I unfolded my hands and started pinching at the inside of my wrist. It was a habit I'd had since I left Christian. The sharp pinches banished my thoughts for a bit, it was nothing compared to the buzz of alcohol or the rush I'd got from cutting, but like I said; it became a habit. It was another reason I wore sweats and hoodies constantly; sometimes I'd pierce into my skin and leave little half-moon shaped scars, and the other times my arms and legs and covered in tiny bruises.

"Ana! Ana, stop, no." My hands were suddenly pushed apart and held forcefully at my side. I looked at through a blurry haze and made out Christian's beautiful face. His face was etched with worry and pain. I hadn't even noticed I had been crying until he let go off one of my wrists to attempt to wipe the tears from my soaked cheeks. The wrist he continued to have a tight grip on ached as it was the wrist I had just been abusing. He noticed my flinch and looked down. As realization came to him, he let go and wrapped me into his arms. "I'm so sorry, baby. Please don't hurt yourself ever again, promise me that."

I welcomed his hold on me. It soothed me and was a wonderful distraction all on its own. I couldn't possibly think of anything else but him around me. I pulled my arms around him and felt him stiffen before slowly relaxing. I then remembered his hatred for being touched and knew he was only tolerating this for me, and that only made me cry more.

"Shh, baby, don't cry. I'll save you, I promise. This won't last any longer, I'll do everything I can to make sure of that. I love you." He kissed the top of my head tenderly. "God, I love you so damn much."

I wanted so badly to tighten my arms around him and run my hands down his back, but I held myself back. I was already standing on the edge and that would be stepping over that. "I love you, too."

It took me awhile to realize that that was in fact me who said those words. Christian pulled away slightly and stared at me in shock. What? Hadn't I ever told him? I've loved him for months. I thought he knew. I don't get like this over any random crush. I've been in love with this man for months and I'm finding it so difficult to live without him.

"Say it again," he whispered, the corner of his lips tilting up into a smile.

With my cheeks heating up, I reached up with both my hands and held them to his cheeks, ignoring the harsh stubble that resided there. "I love you, Christian Grey, more than anything."

He let out a joyful laugh that warmed my heart and started bringing a few of the broken pieces together like a puzzle. He then copied my hands and brought his to my cheeks, then lent in and captured my lips in the most slow and sweet kiss we've ever shared together.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N… Sorry it's been awhile. So much has been happening and I've been so stressed. I also finally figured out a plot for this, so yay for fucking me. Sorry it isn't that interesting. It'll get interesting, don't worry.  
**

A massive manhunt, TV broadcasts and many sleepless nights in a dirty motel room.

* * *

*One month earlier*

* * *

Christian's been beyond supportive of me. Even though I know I deserve none of his support…

I've just had my ninth visit with Dr. Flynn; he's been coming for an hour each day since I've been at Christian's. I am very grateful and I appreciate that they've gone this far to try and help me out. I need to face reality, though; I'm not improving. Every night I lay awake in the guestroom and I'm lucky to get more than an hour of sleep. Christian tried to get me to stay in the master with him or I could and he'd take the guest room but I couldn't accept that offer. I didn't live here, I was staying here, therefore I am a guest and guests stay in the guestroom.

I woke up in a cold sweat, my eyes frantically surveying the room around me. Ever since staying here I have this reoccurring dream – more like a memory trapped in a dream – of Christian's face when I left. It was so raw; there was too much pain for one person to handle. I would give up anything to go back and hold him, I could not walk out, and I'd walk over to that perfect man and pull him against me.

I have too many regrets and there's nothing I can do about them. Everyone's forgiven me, though they claimed there is nothing to forgive. Oh please, I'm not an idiot, I know I was an idiot and made the worst mistake of my life that day. Trust me I'll be regretting that all my life.

I stood up and left the empty room, going in hunt for a cold glass of water. My throat was parched.

I padded barefoot down to the kitchen wearing a baggy singlet and black plain shorts. I froze mid step when I saw Christian already sitting at the breakfast bar. He looked delectable, in nothing but grey sweats. For the first time in months I felt that oh so wonderful undeniable desire for him. He's looked hot every other day, sure, but this time was different. He looked so….unguarded. And _that's_ what I found so hot right now. The muscles in the back flexed when he leant over and picked up his coffee. The strong smell surrounded me.

He must have sensed me standing there because he turned his head and frowned.

"Why are you up?" Concern laced his voice. I don't think I've ever been this turned on from him. This isn't a first. He's been caring for me all this time. I think it's that this feels so…_normal_.

All my insecurities were pushed away to the back of my head. I didn't need to hear those right now.

I walked forward, not breaking contact with his piercing grey eyes. They held me captivated. I didn't say anything when I reached him, I just grabbed his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his, praying with everything I had that he wouldn't pull away and reject me. I needed this. I needed _him_.

He was frozen to his seat for a few seconds before he finally responded, twisting one of his hands in my hair and the other sliding down to my unscarred hip. With a tight grip in place, he pulled me against his hard body, escalating a gasp from my lips. All the pent up sexual frustration flooded through me all at once and all I knew was that I _needed_ him in me. Right now. Right here.

I refused to wait any longer; I was desperate for him to fill me. I moved my hands down to his pants, not breaking stride as my tongue caressed his in a loving dance. My hand curled around him and I smirked against his lips when I found that he was as hard as stone. I guess I'm not the only sexually frustrated one. He growled in my mouth as my hand tightened slightly. Moving my hand to slide in his pants to move things along, I was halted when a hand roughly snapped around my wrist with a vice hold, preventing me from going any further.

Christian pulled away from our heated kiss to press his forehead to mine. My stomach fluttered in a million butterflies while my heart done the tango with my drugged-up brain. He's rejecting me, fuck. And nothing could then stop the insecurities from raising their ever so ugly heads.

_He doesn't actually want you. Told you so… You're worthless, why would you want to fuck you, let alone love you?! He's imagining one of his ex-subs and that's why he was hard, it wasn't for you. You're ugly, I can't blame him really. _

"I love you so much," he breathed. He looked out of breath and I couldn't help but raise a little bit of hope thinking I done that to him. "Believe me I want nothing more than to take you to bed right now and make love to you until we're gone so long we have a search party out for us." My heart jumped a hundred feet in the air as he released a small chuckle. "But you're still unwell, I'm not stupid, I can tell. I won't take advantage of you, baby, I will wait an eternity for you."

The sudden sex drive I just experienced diminished pretty darn quick… Now I was left feeling tired and torn-down. I needed to get that glass of water and attempt to sleep again. I miss what I had with Christian. I should've taken him up on his offer on day one. But would I still have walked? I doubt it…

"I came for some water," I muttered, making a move to pull away. That plan disappeared when Christian moved his free hand to grab my other hip. He pulled me against him once again, quickly releasing my hips just to hug me tightly. I felt tears sting my eyes. Fuck. Flynn said crying over the smallest things is normal right now but I fucking hate it. I buried my face in his neck and breathed in deeply, savouring the delicious smell of him. I felt him tense up when I moved my arms to wrap around his back. I went to remove my arms when he spoke again.

"Don't move. Leave them," he gasped in my ear. My breathing spiked up. He was letting me touch him! After a while he relaxed around me which caused my surprise to grow.

I don't know how long we stayed like that. Eventually I pulled away and walked back to bed, not speaking, not looking back. I'm the biggest idiot for leading him on like that. I can't make him happy, he needs someone worthy and that someone isn't me. I just keep fucking my life even more and I'm real sick of it.

* * *

"Come on!"

"No." I folded my arms.

"It'll be fun."

"Leave me alone," I sighed. "I'm not going out with you."

"Ana, you love me, please."

Listening to her beg, I gave in. "Fine! I'll go shopping with you, Mia. But I won't like it."

"You'll live. I'll pick you up at 11 on Saturday." She hung up.

I have two days of freedom before I'm thrust into that torture. I've been locked in my room all day, too afraid to face Christian after last night. He's come in to check on in; I just pretend to be asleep. It was inching to 2pm and I'm pretty sure Christian had a meeting he had to go to the office for. It should be safe to go out and get something to eat, either way I don't really care at the moment; I'm too hungry to care.

I had a shower, making sure to thoroughly wash my hair, enjoying the strawberry scent now spreading around the large bathroom. I stood under the hot spray for almost an hour, feeling my muscles relax. A groan slipped from my mouth when I brought my hand up to rub the back of my neck. I relaxed even more, escaping from my thoughts as I relished in the steam that floated around me, breathing it in.

Leaving the shower completely relaxed, I changed into black sweats and a baggy shirt, throwing my hair in a fucked up bun. I hoped Christian was out there and would be openly disgusted with me. I could leave and not feel guilty because he would be the one kicking me out; I'd be free.

Gail was out in the kitchen when I got out. No Christian.

"Good afternoon, Ana," she smiled, looking up from doing the dishes. She wiped her hands on a dishtowel beside her. "What would you like to eat or drink?"

"I just want to make myself something, don't worry about it," I sighed, not being able to bring myself to even fake a smile for her. "How about you sit and I cook some lunch for us both? It'll be a surprise."

"Ana, I can't let you do that, no."

"Too bad, I'm doing it anyway. Sit," I ordered, pointing to a barstool. We'd become pretty close since I'd been here, she's the only one here I'll open up to completely; not even Christian or Flynn.

She saw no point in a fighting something she knows she's lose anyway, so she sat and we started talking while I set about subs for us to eat.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: _Simply adding again all original content and characters belong to E.L James. This story plot is mine, so yeah._

**A/N: **_Thank you for all your positive feedback =). _

* * *

I choose skinny jeans and a plain caramel colored sweater to wear whilst shopping with Mia. While I wasn't entirely happy with my choice, it was the best I could do with so little to work with. If I had curves, I'd be able to wear anything and look amazing. I'm too thin, though, with small breasts and a small ass; nothing appealing in the slightest about me. I don't see what Christian ever found alluring. I brushed my hair, leaving it to drop over my too-small breasts; the shine was returning a bit, not by much.

I'd done well by avoiding Christian the past two days. After our encounter that night, we'd run into each other three times; this is my fault really. I stay in the guest room until I know he's either at work or in his office, and then I sneak out. We've exchanged a few words, but they just consisted of, 'hey', 'how are you feeling?', 'good, you?', 'fine.' I'm starting to worry he's giving up on me and that thought sends a million butterflies loose in my stomach and for my heart to painfully slam around. I've tried to get better, I've tried opening up, I've tried thinking positively about everything…None of it works, I end up right back to where I was. I have to admit, Christian does help by being there. His presence alone could calm me from almost anything.

I need to step up my game and stop trying so hard. Flynn said in our session an hour ago that trying to recover so fast isn't helping a bit; that I need to let things happen at their own pace, no matter how slow the process is.

Once satisfied enough with how I looked, I slipped on my converse sneakers and walked out to wait for Mia in the living room. I was not expecting Christian to be standing at the wall-length mirror in his tailored Armani suit, staring out over the Seattle skyline. To say my heart froze at the sight of him is an understatement; it jumped out of my chest, ran behind the couch _and then _it froze. Both his hands were locked in his hair as he faced away from me, deep in thought about something.

"Hi," I stuttered, my throat locking down. I coughed once to clear my throat, feeling my nerves start up.

He turned and I noticed dark circles under his eyes with stubble on his chin, showing he had skipped shaving yesterday and this morning. He obviously hadn't gotten any sleep last night and I was left wondering if he'd even had a shower or he'd been up working all night in that suit.

"Hey."

The atmosphere in between us was awkward to say the least; I hated it.

"Listen, I'm-"

"About that night-"

We both stopped and laughing at having talked at the same time.

"You go," I laughed. It felt good to laugh with no pressure.

"No, you," he smiled.

"I was going to say I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," I muttered, staring down at my shoes, unable to look into his eyes.

"Don't be sorry. I don't regret it one bit." I looked up to see him walk over to stand in front of me. "I love you, Ana, and that night I could tell you still loved me by the way you kissed me. It was perfect."

My eyes welled up. "I do love you."

He smirked. "I know." Oh wow. He could make me forget everything alright. I felt a rush of heat shoot down to my crouch as he continued to smirk at me. My sex drive was starting to come back and it was something I approved highly of.

Looking away from his intense stare, I tried desperately to control myself. I was too close to throwing myself at him again and that would only end in more confusion between us. I want to be with Christian more than anything, but my moods are so on and off that it wouldn't be fair to him. I need a completely steady head to try again with him. I just hope when I'm ready, he will be, too.

"Let's go out to dinner tonight," he smiled shyly. "It won't even be a place that I own."

I placed my hand over my heart in a mocking show of shock. "There's a place in Seattle you _don't_ own?"

"Shut up, Steele," he laughed teasingly. "Be ready by 6:30 tonight."

"What should I wear?"

"I'll lay out a dress"

"Plan on telling me where we're going, Mr Grey?" I frowned, the curiosity driving me crazy.

"Oh no, Miss Steele," he grinned. "It will be a pleasant surprise, though."

"I'm looking forward to it," I said.

Christian raised his eyebrows as a smile lit up on his face.

"What?" I asked anxiously, running a hand through my hair hastily then making quick to smooth out my sweater. Did I have something in teeth? Were my clothes dirty and I didn't notice?

"You just…you're acting like the old you right now," he answered in a hushed tone, almost as if he is embarrassed to admit this.

I hadn't noticed, but now he brought it up, I realized that he was right. I didn't worry about how I looked until just now, I felt comfortable as we talked and resolved our issue. As much as I want this feeling to last, I know it wouldn't. I can still feel that monster lurking inside of me, hands out and waiting for me to stumble so they can wrap their vice-like grip around me and hold me down screaming and kicking.

"I wish it would last," I sighed. Flynn told me yesterday that I need to start opening up around more people and that I should start with Christian. Now seems like a good time to start.

"Maybe it will." The slight hope in his voice made my heart break. He's been holding onto me from day one of all this, waiting patiently for me to recover. He hasn't pressured me into anything and he hasn't tried to rush me. I just wish I could give him something back to thank him for all his done. I wish I didn't pussy out on our agreement and I was a faithful sub to him.

* * *

"I feel so bloated, but that was totally worth it," Mia sighed, leaning back in her chair to pat her flat stomach.

We've been shopping for a ridiculous amount of time; 2 hours and 24 minutes. I keep checking the time. I refuse to buy anything but that doesn't save me from being in a Mia fashion show. We'd go into stores for elderly women to try on clothes we'd possibly wear as old women. I was actually having somewhat of a good time during these times; it was silly and childish, something I missed. Life doesn't have to be serious; it can be crazy and silly. You're the author of your own life…

"I agree. Too much spice, though," I said, pushing away plate of half-eaten Mexican food.

"I love Mexican food; it should outlaw every other food."

I laughed. "I don't think I can handle that much Mexican."

We stood up, putting our rubbish in the bin then going to look for a clothing store we _haven't_ been to. When we couldn't, we drove to a smaller mall ten minutes away.

"Ana! Ana!" Mia shouted, ruffling through dresses. "Should I wear this?" She held a short, pale pink silk dress up against her.

"I think we can do better," I answered truthfully. She has a date with Ethan – Kate's brother – tomorrow night so now we're on duty to find a perfect outfit for her. We were all shocked to hear about their date, but apparently they've been talking every day since they met two weeks ago. I'm really happy for them both.

"This?" She held up another dress. This dress was perfect for her. It was tight enough to hug her slim figure in the most flattering way; it was long, the bottom of the elegant dress spread out to a small wave around your ankles and feet and it was the deepest of red. It would look amazing with her hair and skin tone.

"It looks perfect," I smiled, silently grateful we'd find a dress so soon. Hopefully now I can go home. I've been trying hard not to compare myself to every skinny, beautiful woman I see. All I can imagine though is Christian lying on top of them naked. The mental imagine kills me.

Mia squealed. "I'll go try it on now. This is so exciting!"

She practically ran into the dressing rooms in the back of the shop while I followed after her in a slow pace. Thoughts of Christian flooded my mind. What is he doing right now? Work? Finding a new sub? That last thought cut deep, no pun intended, and I found myself grow faint as the possibility grew more and more. I wasn't giving him what he needs, as far as I know he isn't having any sex at all. I tried throwing myself at him, though, and he denied. Maybe he is sleeping with someone. Ouch. I can't blame him if he is. He says he loves and I'm starting to believe that, it's just so difficult.

"Ana, come look." Mia's voice flooded through the back.

As I moved a bit faster I was suddenly thrust back by a large meaty hand while another hand covered my mouth. I struggled desperately, kicking and punching around me. Frantically trying to look at the captures, I couldn't see anything but the hairy white arm holding around my waist.

"Walk with us quietly," a rough voice ordered, his mouth close to my ear. I felt the coolness of a gun press to my side. There were two men! I didn't recognize the voice.

Fearing for Mia, I allowed them to push me outside without a struggle. They have a gun! Fuck. My thoughts were all on Mia. If I don't struggle, they won't go back and kill her.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own original characters, E.L James does…I only take credit for this particular plot line here.

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**A/N: You're all too sweet. Your reviews give me the motivation to continue, thank you. **

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"I don't care. Do it."

"Don't tempt me, bitch."

The cold metal of the gun pressed harder against my throat and I smirked. Not a shred of fear went through me at the prospect that at any second I could be shot dead. As long as they don't go after anyone I love, I'm fine with dying.

"No really, I don't mind," I said. The blindfold covering my eyes made it impossible to see what the woman talking looks like. She doesn't sound familiar, though. "Go on. Blow my fucking brains over the walls."

"I will soon, honey, don't worry," she sneered. "But first everyone needs to know you're alive."

The gun disappeared from its position at my head only to return a second later with blunt force. There was a splitting pain followed by a wave of darkness.

* * *

"Did you get it?" It was the same woman. She sounded intimidated.

"He needs proof." This was the man who told me to walk in the mall. I ended up getting a small glimpse of him as they shoved me in the van at the mall; I only made out his sandy blonde hair.

"Fuck," the woman spat. "Why can't we just kill her?"

There was an echoing slap that ricocheted off the walls then a loud gasp. He slapped her; that much was obvious. The woman began sobbing.

"Knock it off, I am not him, I won't comfort you!" Sandy Blond guy yelled before loudly departing. I was left alone – I think – with the sound of her sobs.

"Who are you?" I asked in a soft voice. I wasn't at all intimidated by these people. I didn't mind if they'd kill me, hell I'd probably help. I was just starting to worry now that they've got me because of Christian. I don't want him getting hurt.

I heard it before I really felt it. The loud skin on skin contact then the intense pain spreading along my jaw came to my attention. This bitch just fucking punched me. How rude. Oh well. If they're going to kill me anyway, I might as well have some fun with this.

"If that's the way your treat guests, I won't be coming back," I smirked.

She made me know she was pissed off when she grabbed my hair at the back of my head and yanked hard. "I am going to take great pleasure when I shoot you, slut."

"You need to think of new material. I don't care if you shoot me."

There was a frustrated scream. "Fuck you!"

I was quite glad to know that my snarky attitude was getting to her. It gave me some entertainment while I waited for my life to end. Shouldn't be long now, hopefully… I'm not as eager to sit around bored, knowing that eventually they will put that bullet through my skull… or my chest… or everywhere for me to slowly bleed to death. Eh.

"What's the weather like? Still a bit cloudy?" I mused. "It looked like there was gonna be a storm, was there? I love storms, so peaceful."

The woman's voice was right by my ear when she spoke again. "Why aren't you _scared_?! You. Are. Going. To. Die!"

"Bring it, honey."

"You must have some sort of death wish." She finished her statement with a hard slap across my cheek. I tasted the tangy taste of blood in my mouth.

"I wouldn't call it a death wish, babe, more like an I-don't-care wish," I said. I could practically feel the agitation radiating off her.

There was a loud scream from behind me. This girl needs to calm down some. Shouldn't I be the one yelling and screaming? But no, miss I'm-such-a-pissy-bitch is the one acting like she's just been kidnapped. Who is she anyway? Is she connected to Christian?

"What have you got to be so mad about?" I asked, tilting my head back, hearing my neck crack. "I'm the one here that is being held against my will."

"You fucking whore!"

"And there we go with the yelling again." I put a frustrated edge in my voice.

"You are SO lucky we need you alive for this!" Ouch. This time the bitch actually screamed in my ear. I inwardly flinched.

"Care to share, babe?"

She seemed to hate that I kept giving her pet names, because she'd always growl in anger when I did it. Well, good!

"He doesn't love you, you know," she whispered. I felt her breath fan across my face.

I stopped breathing. It wouldn't take an idiot to know who she was talking about. _Christian_. She does know about me and Christian. Is she one of his ex-subs? My heart beat erratically in my chest. She found my strongest weak spot: my doubt about how Christian feels about me.

I refused to let her see that she was finally getting to me, so I forced out a laugh, hoping that it was convincing enough. It seemed to worked.

"That all you got?" I laughed, throwing my head back.

This time she was calm, almost like she knew it _was_ getting to me. "I know all about your fucked-up relationship. If you can even call it that… He only came back because he felt guilty. You know how he is."

Damn. Damn. Damn. Fuck her. Every promise he'd ever made, every sweet thing he'd ever said and done, it all seemed so fake now. This is her plan, I told myself. She wants me to believe this. But what if she is right? Did Christian do all that because of guilt? Guilt over what, though? I told him to hit me that day; I shouldn't have acted like I did. It's a part of him, he doesn't deserve me. He needs someone strong that can handle his lifestyle. I don't want his fucking pity and guilt. If I get out of here alive, I need to end this. He won't have to live with the guilt anymore.

The woman chuckled darkly. "There we go. You don't like the idea of him not loving you, huh? Well join the fucking club."

"Leila!"

The male came back and shouted out the mystery woman's name just before she brought her fist down to shove me back down into the darkness once more.

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***Christian POV***

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I had just laid out the long silver silk dress on my bed when my blackberry rung. Fuck. Who is it? Being a CEO can be major pain in my ass sometimes.

"Grey," I snapped, leaving my bedroom.

"Christian, Ana ran," Mia gasped through the line. WHAT! "I was trying on a dress and when I walked out, she was gone."

"Was anybody else in the store?" I demanded, already racing to my office. Jason noticed my rushed pace and quickly followed.

"Just the cashier and she was busy restocking. I asked and she didn't see Ana leave."

I should have had security go with them! Fucking stubborn girls! They both complained and fought against me when I told them to take security, and I succumbed to them. I loathed myself in that moment. This is my fault. What if Ana is – oh god. I can't even bring myself to think the words. The possibility tore me to shreds alone. That damn infuriating woman.

"I'm so sorry, Christian," she sobbed. "I guess she just got sick of us all." My sister thinks she ran?

"She would not have run, Mia," I said, shattered. My baby is missing! "Where are you now?"

"I'm in my car. I looked all over the mall."

"What shop did this happen in? And what mall? I will have Ryan pick you up and bring you here. Call mom and dad, I want them here in twenty."

She gave me the details I wanted and in fifteen minutes, my family was here, Jason had rounded up all of the security team to watch the CCTV footage of the store and everyone was desperately trying to call Ana's phone with no success.

"There is no face recognition on the men, sir," Jason informed me.

I was focused on watching the scene play out in front of me. I'd watched this over 50 times already on my Mac laptop. The looked of shock on Ana's face as the men grabbed her; it broke my head. Oh baby, I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. She walks out with them without any struggle after one of the assholes whispers something in her ear. What did he say? Threaten her? I'll cut his fucking dick off and feed it to him!

Jason continued to stand in front of my desk when I lost it. I felt dead inside. I screamed, standing up and sending everything flying off my desk. Papers went everyone, my laptop Mac slammed into the wall, creating a large split in the screen. The end result was a messy, destroyed office.

"I WASN'T THERE!" The guilt was beyond eating me up. "I should have been there! I should've protected her. I should've…"

I shocked both myself and Taylor when I collapsed behind my desk. I felt so weak, so powerless. How could I allow a girl to have so much power over me? I cannot function without her, I need her back. I'll give up every penny I have if it means getting her back to me. I should've been there…

Jason rushed over, pulling me up and onto my chair.

"How are you feeling, Sir?" He asked, his tone nothing but professional. Any other time I would have been proud at having someone so strong, but now I just needed a friend.

"It's Christian, Jason," I corrected him. It didn't sound like my voice that came out. This voice sounded like that of a child's.

There was a moment of shocked silence coming from Jason before he finally spoke. "This is not your fault, Christian. We are doing everything we can to find her, and more. We're not afraid to ignore the law in this situation." His words sounded like lies, but I still appreciated him trying.

I was quite stunned to hear him say this. Every security detail I'd hired has had some experience in either the military or the FBI/CIA, so to think they'd break the law to get Ana back was simply shocking. It is comes to that, I'll make sure they don't get charged for their crimes; I just want my baby back. She belongs in my arms, nowhere else.

"What's the progress?" I asked him, hoping for something new. I was glad to have Jason as the head of security. I trust him the most.

He stood up straight, regaining his professional status. "The men that have captured her were not smart enough to have false license plates on. The numbers have just been traced and the van was recently at three construction sites…" His eyes shifted; something I'd never seen from him. He was holding back something big.

"Where else?" I saw no other option than to yell. I felt so out of control, a total foreign thing to me. Something I absolutely hated!

"GEH, sir."

The world slowed down around me. She was taken because of me! Who has done this? Is this because of a deal I turned down? Because I've turned down a fucking lot! Or is it someone that works for me? That one couldn't be, I run checks on my entire employee's once every two weeks, and my latest one was yesterday. They're all clean.

"Go check all the security footage from GEH," I ordered, leaning back in my chair to run both hands through my unruly hair.

"Right on it, sir." Jason left me alone to deal with the thoughts running through my head.

I don't know what everyone is doing outside. Did they hear me just now? I'm glad they're leaving me alone while still being here. It's slightly comforting to know that they're just outside my office.

"Oh, Ana." A heavy sigh fell from my lips. I thought back to the past week she's been here.

It's been killing me inside, to see her in so much pain and knowing I can't hold onto her. My arms ache every time I glance at her. Flynn has been refusing to give me information on their sessions, he says I need to wait for her to come out herself and talk to me. It's been pure agony waiting. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to wait eternity for that annoying, disobedient, stubborn woman. She's worth everything to me. My heart's been breaking every time she looks up at me and I'd see that smile playing on her soft pink lips…then I'd see the pain laced in her eyes. Did she really think all those times I'd be fooled by that smile? Did she think I didn't know her anymore? I know Ana more than she knows herself.

I pick myself up, smoothing my hands through my hair, hoping to tame it down a bit.

"Sir, we have news on one of the two people behind this kidnapping." Jason burst in, not even bothering to knock. I was glad. I didn't want to fucking dance around and stall on this topic.

"Who is it?" I asked, almost dreading the answer, yet just as eager at the prospect of getting that tiny bit closer to Ana. There's two people pulling the strings here, so I'm guessing those two 'men' from the CCTV footage are just doing the dirty work.

"Leila Williams."


	8. Chapter 8

***ANA POV ***

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It's been a week. Leila's been in here twice all week, otherwise it's just been the sandy haired guy here. They feed me small meals and only take the blindfold off for a few hours each day. The first time they took it off I expected to be in some old abandoned warehouse. I was shocked that I'm being kept in a house somewhere. I'm in the basement; which is fairly large. The walls are covered in mold, the floors are dirty, and there are always loud footsteps thumping on the floor above me indicating that the floors aren't that thick.

Today was day eight and I was going crazy, but I refused to give up. They won't have the satisfaction of seeing me beg for my life.

Footsteps jumped down each step, light and delicate. The ex-sub shows up once again. She's the only female that'll come down here. I think she's the only female in this whole charade actually.

"Master doesn't want you back, huh?" I laughed. I've found it highly amusing to tease her about her past with Christian; she hates that more than anything and it helps me stay focused.

"I don't see him here, so clearly he doesn't want you," she sneered, her steps getting closer.

Ah, yes. It's difficult pretending like her words don't hurt me. Because I've been thinking the same thing. Does he even know I'm gone? Is he worried about me? Nobody seems scared about him coming, so it would seem he doesn't know anything about this. My head hurts whenever I think about him. I hope I can see him at least one more time before I die, even a fucking photo will do. I just want his face to be the last thing I see.

"You're in a bitchy mood today," I said, anticipating her slap of punch. I didn't get either. A stab of disappointment went through me as the minutes passed. The hits were welcome. They reminded me what I'm still alive, that this is all real. "Realizing how much you'll miss me when I die?"

"Oh no," she chuckled, now behind me. "When you die, I'll be with Master."

"If that's the case, you better start learning some manners again," I told her, feeling a smirk coming on. "Unless you like being canned and whipped." It stung to talk about Christian like that, but I didn't want to think of him as the man he'd been lately. I need to remain strong to get through this, and thinking of him as anything other than a Dom would hurt and make me break.

"At least I can give him what he wants." She lent down to whisper in my ear. "Whore."

She really does enjoy calling me names like 'slut' and 'whore.' At least I take time to think of new things, it seems like she just recycles everything.

"Okay."

"What? No smartass remark?"

I forced out a burst of laughter. "I actually think it's cute. It's like you have a crush on your nerdy married Math teacher."

Now that got me a sharp, quick slap. I sighed as the pain spread across my face. With all the beatings I've gotten, Christian's punishments were tame as fuck. Hell, if by some miracle I do survive, I might actually see about getting into a contract with Christian. It'll be the only way I could get him back.

"Master only loves me!" Her voice was raised.

"Of course he does, honey," I smirked in a sickly sweet voice. "Is the priest at your wedding going to be a unicorn?"

I didn't receive a slap, instead she stormed up the stairs, muttering angrily as she stomped and slammed the door shut behind her. I found it quite sad that I wasn't scared; I awaited my pending death patiently. They're not telling me why I'm here, all I know is that they're waiting for someone to arrive then things will get started. I'm assuming that the person they're waiting for is controlling everything here.

* * *

I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, I was staring up at a dirty face. The woman sitting in front of me looked like me! The brunette hair made me well aware that this was Leila. She wore loose jeans that hung around her like a skirt and a baggy black sweater.

"Wow. You have a face only a mother could love," I snickered, feeling my throat burn in a desperate need for water.

Her eyes looked dead as they observed me head to toe. No comeback came from her. She looked like she hadn't bathed in a few days, and the smell coming from her backed me up on that guess. I scrunched up my nose.

"No wonder Christian hasn't been here; with you smelling like that."

"He was going to give you more," she whimpered. What the fuck? This bitch has more moodswings than Christian. "I asked for more, and he ended the contract."

_Oh. _She's talking about Christian… Would I have looked like this if I went into a full sub/dom relationship with him? The thought is a scary one. I know he said some of his ex-subs wanted more but he didn't. What was so damn special about me that he was willing to try more? Did he say that to the others to get them to sign the contract? I was suddenly well aware of the painful beating of my heart. What if everything with him was a lie? Some ploy to get me as his full sub?

"Maybe it was because you stopped showering," I suggested sweetly. I forced everything from my mind, only focusing on Leila sitting in front of me. I won't show weakness. _I will not_.

Finally emotion flickered across her face. Her eyes flashed up to lock eyes and if possible I'd burst into flames. With one big step, she towered over me with her small frame and slapped me, leaving my left cheek stinging. Tasting the metallic flavour of blood in my face, I spat at her feet, blood spraying over tattered sneakers.

"Fucking bitch!"

"They're already dirty, I just improved them," I laughed.

"You're going to pay for that, you wait till he gets here!" Growling, she turned abruptly and stormed upstairs.

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***Christian POV***

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"She hasn't been spotted all week. Her apartment has been raided twice everyday; once in the morning and once at night. We've checked all CCTV footage in every store she might've visited, along with the footage from her apartment building. Nothing has come up."

"Keep trying, Welch."

I hung up after the short phone call with Welch. We're still not even close to finding Ana and it's tearing me apart. Both physically and mentally. My mom and dad has been staying here; in my bedroom, while I've been sleeping in the guest room. I need to be as close to her as I can get, and the pillows in there smell of her.

I've hardly had any sleep and the few hours I do get, I'm having nightmares. It's been difficult to keep my food down. All I can think about when I eat is 'what if they're not feeding Ana?' What if she is locked away somewhere, slowing starving to death? I don't think I could survive hearing that. I need her to come back healthy and alive to me. Sooner rather than later, too.

"Honey, how are you?"

My mom walked into my office, only stopping when she was in front of me so she could bend down and cup my cheek with her hand. Instantly I felt like a child. She could do that, make you feel like an infant again with her tender touch and soft words.

"I'll feel better if Ana was here," I whispered, bowing my head down. I felt so wrecked.

"We all would. You're not alone here, though." She straightened herself up, putting on her stern mom facade. "Your father and I talked and we think you should take a break from all this. The stress isn't doing you good and you need to be strong to be able to find Ana. You're no help like this."

In a way I knew she was right. I was just getting in the way with how I'd lash out and yell if there was no new news, but on the other hand I didn't want to give up. I couldn't relax even if I went into a coma; my subconscious would be worrying and thinking of possible places Ana might be.

"I can't. I'll take a break when she's back." Looking up at her concerned faced, I felt my heart soften a bit. "Can I have a minute? I'll be out soon."

Leaning down again, she placed a delicate kiss on my forehead. "I love you, my baby boy."

"I love you, too, mom."

She left, calling out to dad once she did. I was left to look after all the information in front of me. I had an update profile of Leila; it was hardly anything incriminating, nothing to prove she's involved in Ana's kidnapping. This mission to find Ana seems to be getting more difficult every day and it's breaking me apart.

I sat staring at Ana's driver's license in my hands for almost an hour. She'd left it in the guestroom when she went out with Mia, she never leaves it behind, but she did that day. I was filled with regret knowing I had no photos of her, I should have taken advantage of the time I had with her and photographed her every smile, her every move. I have nothing except for this small photograph on her license. I promise that when I get that woman back I will take a million and one photos of her, no matter how creepy she thinks it will be.

"Where are you?" My voice echoed around the empty room, shocking me. I hadn't realized how alone I was. It's so frustrating not having Ana here. The whole of Seattle could be surrounding me and I'd feel alone if she weren't by my side.

Scowling, I stood up from my chair, putting her license in the inside pocket of my pin-striped jacket. I'm pissed off I can feel so lost and broken because of someone, but then I'm glad I'd found her because I would have never known that I could feel something this intense.

My blackberry begun ringing and vibrating on my desk in front of me. I had a second to stare at the object with my heart pounding before I answered.

"Grey."

"Master," the small voice whispered.

_Leila_…

"Where is Anastasia?" I growled, refusing to beat around the bush here.

"I'm the one for you, you don't need her," she said. I could hear her fingers tapping on something. Metal? A refrigerator maybe? A steel bench?

"Where. Is. Anastasia?" This time it came out as a shout, which alerted Jason and two new guards to run in. They stood waiting in front of the desk, listening intently. I mouthed Leila and put the call on speaker.

"STOP IT!" She screeched. "SHE ISN'T IMPORTANT! YOU'RE MINE."

I can tell she'll need Flynn while she's serving time for fucking kidnapping! I'll make sure she's locked away for the rest of her life for this, she's mentally unable and she's keeping Ana away, god knows where.

I watched as Jason begun to track where the phone call was coming from and decided he'll have better chances if I keep her on the line longer.

"Leila. I was never yours. You were never mine. I can't stand you; you became merely a pest, getting in my way." There was nothing I could hold back now. This woman has the love of my life and I couldn't hate her more. "I will find you, Leila, and when I do, you will wish you'd never been born."

With the okay nod from Jason, I hung up just as she let out a loud sob.

"The call was traced from Miss Steele's apartment, sir."

"We've checked her apartment, though! Ana isn't there, so they mustn't have left the city." I allowed myself some hope as I thought of this. Leila wouldn't waste time travelling hours just to call me from Ana's apartment, no, she would have to be close by…. Just how close, though?

"Send men there, if she is still there, do not attack, follow her!" With my orders known, Jason and the two men left, talking into their ear-pieces to gather more guards.

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**/AN/ I'm trying to drag this kidnapping out as long as I can, but it's not so fun. Please review and let me know if the dragging it out is boring or not. I can add something fresh to spice things up if so.**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN/ Thank you so much for all your wonderful suggestions and reviews. I do have a plan for where this is going, now I can focus on moving the plan along. No more dragging the kidnapping along, Ana will be found soon… Stay tuned you beautiful people. **

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*ANA POV*

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_One week later._

Today is the day… Leila's choice words. She's been coming down here every five or ten minutes chanting those words. She won't tell me exactly _what_ is happening today, just that today is the day.

It's just about driving me crazy, but I'm pretty sure this mystery guy is finally showing his face today. I spent hours racking my brain on who it might be, coming up empty handed. I haven't been in Seattle long so I highly doubt I have enemies besides Leila. I'm sure it's linking to Christian but it really makes no sense, we aren't together!

In between Leila's little visits, I'd hear the distant sounds of Billie Holiday playing upstairs and from the echoing popping and crackling I could be sure it was being played on a record player. I pictured Leila as more of a hip hop, rap kind of girl. Or is it someone else playing it? Who, though?

Today I'd been released from being tied down so I could move freely and put some circulation in my legs. I do this for a few hours every second day but something was different about today; they'd removed the chair from the basement completely. All that was left was a small cot they'd placed here after my first week. Sleeping in a chair for weeks doesn't sound appealing to anyone, I guess.

I wish that they'd let me shower and get some new clothes, too. I've asked and even begged, I just keep getting shut down. I can use the toilet and sleep on the cot; that's all. Do you know how dirty I feel? I have not showered since the day I got kidnapped. I feel like scrubbing off my skin and regrowing it all. I don't know how I'm alive right now, honestly. It's surely some fucking miracle, hell, if I survive this, I might even start going to Church. _Maybe_.

* * *

"I hope you've been treating her well."

That voice. It was floating down the stairs from behind the door. And…..holy fuck! Is he the person behind all this? No! I knew there was something off about him but this?! It can't be, no fucking way. What does he have against Christian? Or me? I've met him a couple of times, for crying out loud.

"With the best of care, Sir." There was Leila. Her voice was lowered; it had a shaking edge in it. Was she scared?

"Good. After I speak with Miss Steele, I will contact Grey. I assume nobody has done so yet." His tone meant that as a statement, but Leila still answered him.

"No, Sir."

"Leave."

I clenched my eyes shut tighter as her footsteps bounced across the floor above my head. I was frozen to the spot where I lay on the cot. I couldn't even move when I heard him begin to descend the stairs into the basement.

"As beautiful as I remember."

Forcing my eyes open and blinking a few times to adjust to the blinding light now lighting up the dull basement, I stared up at Jack Hyde leaning over my body, a sneering smile on his face.

It made no sense. I barely worked for him, I barely _know_ him. Why kidnap me? And considering this is about Christian, that I know for sure now; _why me_? I've been locked away for weeks so nobody's known I've been with him except his family and mine and before that I hadn't spoken with him for two fucking months. If they want to get something from him, why the hell are they using me? How do they even know I'm connected to him somehow? This. Makes. No. Bloody. Sense.

"Are you comfortable?" He asked, that smirk not leaving his disgusting face.

I bit back the urge to spit in his face. My blood was practically boiling at discovering who was pulling all the strings. All the pent up frustration, pain and anger I've kept in wanted to be unleashed on this poor excuse of a man.

"Let me go," I hissed, clenching my fists together. It was a weak plea, sure, but hey, it was the first time I've kinda begged to be released.

Jack took in a deep breath, making a show to sit at the end of the cot and patting my ankle. I flinched away, feeling my skin cringe from his touch. It made me feel dirty being so close to him. Something was off about this man.

"I can't do that. Grey needs to know you're still alive for this plan to go ahead." He stood up and pulled out a phone, aiming it at me. I scowled. "Now smile, sweetie."

I did smile. I also flipped him the bird. Sure it was childish, who cares. I was reaching my tipping point real fast and I wasn't eager to have Christian see me weak and scared. The thought made my heart ache. He didn't need that. He needs to think I'm fine, if not for him then for me.

"So why keep me?" I asked, my curiosity momentarily taking over my anger. I had to know this.

"You mean a lot to him," Jack answered, looking down at the new photograph on his phone and shaking with silent laughter. Glad I amused the bastard. "He'd do anything to have _his whore_ back. That's all the information you're getting, doll."

Everything slowed down as he lent down to my face. Fuck. I could almost smell the whiskey on his breath as he neared closer. My heart was very audible in my ears, my blood rushing through my veins while my breathing sped up in terror. No. Surely he won't!

My thoughts cut off completely when two thick meaty hands grabbed at my cheeks, holding my head in place while Jack smashed his mouth to mine. I desperately tried to push him away and that only made him press harder into me. He was too strong! Hell, I can't breathe. He tried parting my lips with his tongue with no help coming from me. My fighting didn't ease down, I wanted him off and I made damn sure he didn't feel welcome. Heck. With one more harder shove against my mouth, he pulled himself off me.

"Next time I do that, you will respond," Jack shouted, bringing his hand down to make sharp contact with my left cheek, leaving a stinging hand print in its place. Holy fuck, that smarts.

Waiting until I heard the slam of the door after him, I curled onto my side, allowing – for the first time – the fear and tears to escape me. I'd spent so long thinking I'm fine with dying but now? It scares me. I don't want to die, I just want Christian. I want him to hold me and I want to grow old with him. I promise that if I make it out of here alive, I'll never take that man for granted, I'll love him and I'll make sure he damn well knows it every day.

* * *

*CHRISTIAN POV*

After the near run in with Leila, the security team and police have been searching almost every building and house near Ana's apartment building. There's been no luck so far, I refuse to give up hope so easily, though. I _will_ find her. I will make her mine officially.

Twirling in my chair in my home office, I pulled out the black velvet box from an inside pocket of my suit jacket. Running my fingers over the smooth top, I flipped it open; staring down at the white diamond engagement ring for the 1034th time since Ana's been gone. I've kept it on me every day, making sure it's near my heart; where Ana is kept. I brought it the day before she was taken. I planned everything perfectly; the dress, the food, the apartment, Mia taking Ana out for the day. I'd even asked Gail teach me how to make Ana's favourite foods; I was going to cook for her, and in between the main course and dessert, I was going to get down on one knee and propose to her. All hearts and fucking flowers.

Letting out the breath I didn't know I was holding, I put the small box back inside my jacket, leaning back into my chair and running both my hands through my already messy hair. I felt my stomach drop for the 1 millionth time as thoughts of what Ana might be suffering through came to my mind. I'm going to make sure I personally kill those bastards that took her. Slowly and painfully.

Feeling my blackberry vibrate, I answered without looking at caller ID. Probably just Welch giving me an update. I prayed it was good.

"Mr Grey, I do believe you're missing someone." A male voice spoke. "Anastasia Steele, I presume?"

Everything stopped around me. My heart froze mid-thump, my brain stopped working, my blood went ice cold. This definitely isn't someone helping me find her.

"Who the fuck is this?" I growled, working hard to keep my control my check. Immediately I got up in search of Taylor, soon finding him discussing protocol with other guards in the hall. I gave him the signal to trace the caller which he got straight to.

"I'm the person in possession of your beloved Miss Steele and I have some… requests," he said. I tried to pick up on his voice. I didn't recognize it but then again, I deal with a lot of people. Did I turn down a deal from him and this is him seeking some twisted revenge?

"You didn't answer my question."

"You don't need to know who I am, Grey. But to make sure you know I'm serious about Miss Steele, I've taken the liberality of taking a picture for you."

There was a quiet _ping_ as my blackberry received a photo. Putting the speaker on, I opened up the photo.

It was her… Lying on a ratty cot, wearing those same clothes she left here in. Her eyes lacked sleep, her skin more pale than before if that was possible, her hair lay flat around her. What hit me was that smile she had plastered on, it was obvious she was trying to be sarcastic and to not show fear in front of her attackers and maybe they were fooled by it. She even threw in her middle finger to seal the deal. I wasn't fooled by it, though. Ana had always been an open book to me and that hasn't changed. I could see the fear dancing behind her beautiful blue eyes, the pain and disgust was hiding there, too, but I could see it clearly. It tore at my fresh wounds, shattering my heart and making my blood boil.

"Beautiful girl," the bastard mused. "Not a very good kisser, though."

The thought of this slimy snake touching my Ana, _kissing_ her made me almost crush my phone in my hand! If he'd done anything else, he's death will be even more painful. My blood was pounding away in my ears as I shook with visible anger. Oh Ana, what have you suffered through because of me?

"I'll murder you." I barely recognized my own voice, it sounded so… menacing.

"Tsk tsk. Let's not forget I'm the one who decides whether that girl lives or dies." I heard a door close nearby him, followed by an all too familiar whimpering noise. Ana! "Right now I have a gun pointed at Miss Steele's head. You have thirteen hours to get me fifty million dollars. Technically twelve since in twelve I'll be calling to arrange a pickup. If you haven't got the money by then, she's dead."

He hung up the phone before I had an actual chance of replying to him. Fifty million? Hell, I'd give him everything I have to get Ana back. Fifty million means nothing to me when compared to Ana. I just need a backup plan; assholes like him are known to not follow through on their end of the deal. What if he doesn't hand Ana over? I need to consider this possibility.

Looking down at the photo, I felt my stomach flutter, something I'd gotten used to since knowing Ana. Ever since she fell into my office that day, I'd been on a roller-coaster of emotions; all of which I'd never take back. I'd changed and I wouldn't even consider changing back. I'm proud of the man Ana's made me into, I just hope she has a chance to fully experience how much I've changed . Her leaving and now this, I'll make sure to never let her go again.

Taylor walked in wearing a smile of relief on his face. I couldn't even stop the tremor of hope I felt. We might actually have a lead. Here's hoping that dickhead had a traceable phone.

"Sir. We have the address the phone call was made from."

"Get the team downstairs, we're leaving now." With my orders known, I wasted no time in getting in the elevator, accessing the information from my previous phone call. Ana, I'm coming baby.


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer:All characters belong to EL James, except two characters belong to my imagination: the two males who kidnapped Ana; one blonde, one brunette.  
_

**A/N Thank you for support everyone! And let me say now before you all hate me, I said Ana will be found SOON, I didn't say next chapter ;D enjoy. **

* * *

*ANA POV* 

I woke up again in a moving vehicle. A van; how obvious. By the dirty sock smell I knew it was the same van I was kidnapped in.

Let me back up a bit. After hearing a heated conversation from the floor above me before, three men stormed downstairs and tied me up, one of them shouting something that they'd been found out. I had no idea what they were talking about and before I could ask politely what was going on, one sucker-punched me, effectively knocking me unconscious. Now I was waking up and feeling the after-effects of that hit. The right side of my face was hurting so bad, I tried to flex my jaw but the piercing pain stopped me dead and my right eye was practically swollen shut. Oh, Christian would be so mad.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked.

"Shut up, whore!" Another punch to my jaw; this one didn't knock me out, it just fucking hurt like hell.

This was different than being about Leila. I could mock her, knowing her hits are weak. I'm too terrified to open my mouth again' it's been made only too clear that these men aren't against hitting a girl. My face shows the evidence of my realization. Their voices are deep and menacing as they discuss where to take me. Did they think that punch knocked me out? Surely they wouldn't be talking about this if they think I can hear. Just in case they did think I was unconscious, I kept my head hung down and listened intently.

"That bastard doesn't own us!" Number one sneered. From the direction his voice was coming, I'm guessing he is the driver. "I say we take the slut into the woods, fuck her, and then shoot her dead."

My face paled as my body turned to ice. _Please, please no_.

"We need to get the money first. Five million each," Number two chuckled from close behind me. I then felt a hand sliding up my arm. It took everything I had not to flinch or pull away. "She has beautiful skin, and perfect tits."

Biting my tongue to keep from screaming out, my eyes struggled to remain shut. The assholes hand reached around me to cup my breast, grasping so tight I'd get a massive bruise. I felt beyond dirty, this monster of a man was violating me while I sat here tied up and helpless. I wanted the ground to open up and pull me down. My skin prickled in fear, what felt like a million spiders crawled over me. It was vile. He let go suddenly, his breath was no longer on my neck. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. _Shoot me now, or let me go, please_.

Number two had joined Number one in the front so I was unable to make out what they were saying. Instead I was left sitting there feeling disgusting. I still felt his hand there; dirty, rough and large. Nothing like Christian, who was always so gentle and loving. God, I missed him. I'd do just about anything to be back with him, to feel _safe_ with him again. I'm not too stubborn to admit I'd been such an idiot to take him for granted.

* * *

Unlike Leila, they didn't let me wake up on my own, nope. They pulled me hair back so rough and fast I didn't have time to bite back a scream. One slipped out and just as fast as it did, duct tape was slammed across my mouth.

"Shut that mouth, you bitch, or I'll blow your brains out," one snapped. He strolled around and crouched in front of me. He was a brunette. With a buzz cut that reminded me of Taylor.

Thinking of Taylor gave me an awful ache in my chest. I never expected I'd miss Taylor, I even miss Gail and her amazing cooking. I miss everyone in my life, I took them all for granted for so long and now I might never see them again. The thought it chilling and scary.

"Hyde said we have to send him pictures every day."

"He also said don't fucking hit her where Grey can see!" The blonde one shouted, coming around to join the brunette on the floor. He grabbed my chin, tilting my head back to assess the damage done.

_So the brunette was the one hitting and touching me. _

He sat there smirking at his work on my face while the blonde one glowered beside him. "Now what?! Grey won't pay up if he knows we are hitting her."

"Oft, please." The brunette ran his hands up my thighs, pushing them roughly apart. I tried as hard as I could to keep them closed. I even tried kicking him in the face but he just got angry and punched me again. My face heated and pulsed with the new hit. I wish they'd stop hitting me already. I already can't see out of one eye, is he trying for both my eyes to be swollen shut? I could taste the metallic flavor of my blood seeping into my mouth from my now split lip. I imagine my face looks gross and swollen.

"Stop it!" Blonde shoved him back and I made the quick effort to clench my thighs closed once again. "You fucking idiot, you wanna hit her? Hit her somewhere that isn't so obvious! Not her fucking face."

My breath left me. I thought maybe he'd tell him not to hit me at all, he's clearly the boss of this bulky guy. But no, he just told him to hit me anywhere else. My heart sped up fast, I was certain I'd go into cardiac arrest any moment. I'm going to be covered in ugly bruises and marks, Christian will think I'm gross and tainted, oh god. He'll never want to touch me again.

"How long till Hyde calls?"

Blonde looked down at the gold watch covering his wrist. "Should be any minute now. We don't tell him where we are."

"Why don't we have some fun while we wait?" Brunette stalked towards me. Dread passed through me as my head came up with all the possibilities that he'd do to me. Thankfully, his phone ringing in his jeans pocket stopped him dead. "Yep… We've just arrived at destination 1…. Yes….. She has not been harmed…." He paused to laugh. "Of course…. Right… Will do." He hung up and turned to face Blonde. "He's been found."

Blonde jumped up from kneeling in front of me. "How?"

"The call ended as the front door was heard being kicked open, also it sounded like glass shattering. He said we're to do the rest."

_Christian_…. He's out there looking for me, he really does care. If he didn't, he'd let them kill me but no, he's out there trying to find me. It seems so surreal, I can almost taste freedom. If he found Jack, it shouldn't be too long before he finds me. I'm practically jumpy with excitement right now.

"Don't get too happy, whore," brunette whispered in my ear. My skin crawled. "You aren't in Kansas anymore."

If I wasn't so terrified I might've laughed at his choice of wording. I'm not from Kansas, idiot, so think up something new.

Blonde strolled over to a door that I'm guessing led to a bathroom and only know did I get the chance to look around at my surroundings. Small stuffy room, two double beds with a nightstand separating them, dirty carpet, a small chest of drawers with chunks of the wood missing and a small black television sitting on top. The lingering smell of sex and cigarette smoke lingered around; the breeze coming in through the tattered vomit green curtains done nothing to help.

The echoing sound of that door slamming closed brought me back to reality. I was alone with Brunette. Oh god, please don't touch me. I could still fear his touch on me, how painful it was, how I couldn't breathe. Now I'm praying that he stays the fuck away from my body. He can punch me, whatever, torture me, I don't care, but Christian's been the only man to ever touch me so intimately and I want it to stay that way forever. This asshole has already taken some of it away, I'll be dammed if he takes it all from me.

"Now baby," Brunette smirked. He walked around me in a tight circle. "Where were we before?"

The duct tape covering my mouth muffled my screech as he lunged at me.

* * *

"I don't fucking know! He told me he'd get out of it."

The argument woke me. I didn't notice I'd even fallen asleep and with a startled heart, I looked down and started breathing again as I took note of my clothes being kept intact. Nothing to signify they'd tried anything in however long I'd been asleep. However my body was in agony from the brunette's assault on my body earlier. I'd take a beating over being raped any day.

"Well he's dead! And I'm sure as hell still getting paid."

The brunette shouting in the blondes face made me intent on listening. Are they talking about Jack? Did Christian kill him? _Oh no, please no, baby_. Seeing Christian in an orange jumpsuit, trapped in a tiny cell with a huge tattooed guy named Big Bob made my heart swell with grief. He doesn't deserve to go to prison for me, I'm certainly not worth that much. I'm hoping it's not Jack they're talking about, or if it is, that he drove his car off a cliff or was murdered and mugged by some random person. Not Christian, just please not him. No amount of money in the world can get you out of murder!

"Jones, just think, now there's no motive linking to us," blonde smiled. Finally, a name to go with Brunette; a last name, but still, it's better than calling him Brunette. "We can still get the money, remember we still have that whore." He nodded towards me.

Jones laughed, running his meaty hand over his stubbled jaw. "You're right, this plan just got better. Now we can also get more money."

The unwelcome thought crossed my mind before I could stop it: _what happened to Leila_? I quickly pushed it away, ignoring the pang of emotion I felt. I actually _missed_ her. She was nicer than these two, she had limits, and as much as I hated to admit it, she was somewhat comforting company to have; even when she was threatening to end my life.

"We need to come up with something, though." Blonde looked over at their phones that sat beside each other on one of the beds. "They found Jack by tracking his cell. We need to make the calls from a public phone."

Dammit. Okay, these two dicks are smarter than I gave them credit for. I figured that's how Jack was found. Christian is a grade A stalker, I thought. A small smile begun to crept up my face and before I bit my lip to force it away, Jones saw it.

"What's so funny, doll?" He stood directly in front of me now. "Don't think it'll work?"

I couldn't stop myself. "No. All phones can be traced, idiot."

Alright, so I don't know if that's true but hey, I'm running on damn hope here. I'm hoping that they're dumb enough to believe me, and by the way Blonde's smile dropped I'm guessing they do believe me.

"FUCK!" He kicked the bedpost, causing it to slam against the filthy wall. He ran his hands through his messy hair; it was something that made me ache for Christian. Will I ever see my fifty run his fingers through his hair again? "We'll have to risk it. Change location after every call."

Aw, heck. They keep out-smarting me, I need to come up with a plan of my own to contact Christian or _anyone_.

* * *

**A/N: Next will be all Christian's POV explaining what's happening and what has happened with Jack. Don't hate me, the reunion will be even more sweet the longer they're apart. Review lovely kittens. **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N I've been so horrid with updates and I'm sorry for that, but I work all day in a daycare and I only get weekends off; which I spend babysitting. I'll try my hardest to update faster. In the meantime, let me ease some minds; Ana is NOT going to be raped, I don't have that kind of knowledge for what the aftermath of that might be. Now enjoy this, you beautiful lovelies. **

* * *

*CHRISTIAN POV* 

My body was bouncing with nerves as Taylor and I sped to the address the call was made from. I had to mentally prepare myself for the worse; Ana won't be in the best shape, it's been two weeks. I don't know how she'll look, how much weight she would've lost, oh god.

Ana will be alright, I chanted to myself a thousand times, willing myself to believe my own words.

"We're no more than five minutes from the destination, sir." Taylor slammed his foot to the floor and the R8 floored forward more so.

The photo of Ana was open on my phone which sat on the dashboard in front of me. It was there to remind me she was still alive and I was getting closer to her. It was currently keeping me alive and conscious.

I don't remember ever feeling this scared. Not when the crack whore's pimp would beat me, not when the crack whore died and I was left with her rooting body, not even when I first met Grace and Carrick. Those were all scary moments, yes, but they don't come close to how I felt right now. Rip my heart out now because it's too painful being inside me.

"The men have stationed themselves around the house, sir," said Taylor. "They're waiting for more backup."

I could see the house now. It was at the end of a long dirt road. There's only one house close by at the end of the makeshift road. Ana didn't stand a chance of getting out and running. There was nothing surrounding this house; no trees, no animals on a farm out back, just a small garden on the side of the house, topped with what looks like a vegetable garden a bit further back.

The two story house looked well-kept, which made me wonder if the assholes that took Ana killed the previous owners or forced them out. The front porch of the white house kept two cushioned seats that reminded me of visiting my grandparents' home. It was isolated, the garden was well-tendered to, and from a window on the top floor I saw a black and white cat sitting on the window seat. A retired old couple lived here, that much was obvious.

There was a pang in my heart as I imagined living here with Ana. Old and grey, sipping coffee and tea while reading the paper on the front porch in the morning. Will I get to live that fantasy out with Ana? Babysitting grand kids, arguing over which school to send our kids to, and getting married. I never considered any of that as a possibility but now that I know Ana, I can't imagine _not_ having that future. And I want it all with Ana.

I hadn't noticed that the security team had doubled, and when I looked again, I noticed it wasn't just the security team that Taylor had rounded up, it was also the FBI. They stood amongst my men, their bulletproof vests making it easy to tell the difference apart. The FBI had also brought a sniper with them; he crouched behind an black SUV, his rifle at the ready in front of him.

"You called the FEDS?" I asked Taylor. I didn't want them involved right away. I wanted a chance to beat the living fuck out of the assholes that kidnapped Ana.

Taylor hesitated. "One of the men involved had escaped from a high security prison two days prior to the kidnapping."

Everything froze around me. "What was the conviction?"

Again, he hesitated to answer.

"What was it?" I shouted, my patience gone completely.

"Rape and first degree murder, sir."

Fucking. Shit. Hell. What if he – oh god. I will not think that, no, I can't, if I start seeing Ana like that, I'll get distracted and it might throw me off getting to her.

"Pull up around the side; I want to get in before the FEDS."

Taylor didn't disagree and he was only too eager to press his foot down and move to mark behind the fence. FEDS were surrounding the back, too, but I had confidence to know I could slip around them to get inside. I needed to get my hands on those slime balls before they were arrested and I would no longer have the chance. I'll make them wish they were never born!

I cursed myself inwardly as the FBI broke through the windows and doors, guns at the ready.

Two things happened as I reached to jump out after them. A man that was not with the FBI or with my security team was running to a Black Honda sitting quite a distance back from the house, and then Taylor sped the R8 toward the unsuspecting scumbag.

Taylor slammed on the brakes and stopped two deep from the round male. He didn't move, he just stood staring at the windshield in a state of shock. I however did not allow any time to be wasted here.

Before I could even blink, I had the slime ball slammed against the hood of the Honda he planned to escape him. A grunt passed his lips as his head connected harshly with the black paint.

"Where is Anastasia?" I screamed, aiming for the deafening scream right in his ear. It worked, I noted as he visibly flinched. I felt some pride.

"That little whore is long gone," he sneered, spitting blood onto the hood of the car.

From the corner of my ear I saw Taylor pull out a gun and aim it to his head. For the first time, I was grateful for guns. This pathetic asshole _will_ answer my questions.

"Name!" it was a tone I'd ever heard from Taylor; demanding, authority, _harsh_.

"Jack Hyde."

Flashbacks flew through my mind. Ana telling me she was interviewed by some Elizabeth something and _Jack Hyde_ at SIP. Is this why he gave her that job? He obviously knew we had something going on, so she might have gotten the job because of me after all.

Rage took over me. He was in her life, even for a short amount of time, she had talked to him without no knowledge that one day he'd plan to kidnap and possibly _hurt_ her.

"Where is she now?" As much as I wanted to take that gun from Taylor and blow this fuckers brains out, I had to keep the questions rolling. I settled for tightening my fingers around his neck, hearing a short gasp escape his throat. He was shaking from fear and I smirked because of that.

"Far away where you can't get her." He was visibly terrified of what we'd do to him, but it was quite clear that even with a gun pointed at his head, he wouldn't talk. I slammed his head down once again, enjoying the crunch sound as his skull hit down, and then I pulled him back, noticing that he was barely conscious. The slamming was a lot harder than I'd thought, I guess. Rearing my fist back, I brought it forward, making perfect contact with his nose. Hyde cried out as the blood from his now broken nose flowed down over his mouth and chin like a water fountain.

"Finish him," I told Taylor. I stepped back, leaving the scum lying half-unconscious on the hood of his car.

Taylor didn't even hesitate. I thought maybe he'd suggest just handing him over, but before I could even finish talking he pulled the trigger of his Silencer. Then Hyde was dead.

"Punch me in the face, we can get away with Self-Defense," Taylor said. He tucked his gun away, looking like he just let the dog out. This situation didn't even make him blink twice. I'd made a good choice with this man, I mused.

"You sure?" I was a bit hesitant to hit Taylor, but I understood why I needed to. What he done was revenge, what _I_ done was revenge. This was nothing less than murder.

He nodded curtly.

I tried to make the hit as painless as I could manage, but after one then two small punches, Taylor practically screamed to hit him harder. So I did. I punched him straight across the jaw, hard enough to send him tumbling back three or four steps.

"That should do it." Taylor winced, rubbing the spot I'd just hit. "We need to report this."

As eager as I was to get back on the road to look for where Ana was now, I understood that if we didn't report this, we couldn't get away with Self-Defense; it would look too suspicious. I just pray that it won't take too long.

* * *

Too fucking long.

We got away with it. Apparently my hits on Taylor fooled the FEDS, because Hyde's knuckles were bruised. I remember the feeling of dread that spread over me as I realized that that might have been from hitting Ana.

Either way, after hours of questioning and poker faces, we left with a new target. To raid every hotel and motel in Seattle. Taylor believes the departure they made was haste so they wouldn't have had another safe house planned; he thinks they're hiding out in a motel.

Our chase to find Ana was sped up when we heard at the station that the house they had raided was found empty. Their manhunt for the prison escapee was intensified and that made us even more frantic.

Ana is locked away with a murder and a rapist and if I have to, I'll die trying to find her.


	12. Chapter 12 - AN

A/N:

I felt like I needed to explain why I haven't uploaded, because I'd only just realized how long it had really been. Anyway, I relapsed horribly with my depression and anxiety, and on top of that I now work full time at a daycare, so things are so overwhelming for me at the moment and I haven't been able to have a clear head long enough to write for weeks now.

BUT I am currently in the process of writing the next chapter; it might take a bit but I'll make sure it's uploaded before next week is over.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Sorry. This will be short, just because I want you guys to have an update already.**

*ANA POV*

_Two weeks later._

A massive manhunt, TV broadcasts and many sleepless nights in a dirty motel room.

I should be complaining, right? It's been a month since I got kidnapped. But I have new clothes to wear and I can shower. Sure, the clothes are baggy and they look like hand-me-downs; it's better than same outfit for two weeks straight. We change motels every second day which I'm locked in while Jones and the blonde disappear. I suspect they're trying to figure out how to work out this hostage thing… They aren't the smartest kidnappers out there.

I'm kept in dark, except once when they took my photo to send to Christian. I knew then that they'd made contact with him and he wanted proof I was alive. It gave me some hope I'll be home soon.

We were driving to a new motel now. The tacky curtain separating the back of the van from the front was open so I pretended to sleep so I could look outside to where we were going. They were both sitting up front whispering something I couldn't make out.

I could vaguely make out my surroundings. We were heading into the city. A wave of confusion swept over me; everyone knows I've been kidnapped, it's been all over the news and Jones is a prison escapee. Are they really stupid enough to drive through the city? It would appear so. I still remember when I first saw that I made it on the news… Along with Jones…

_Flashback*_

"_You know the deal, whore," Blonde sneered, "Keep your mouth shut or we'll introduce you to new pain."_

_They made this threat whenever they'd disappear. I never knew where they went off to, but they'd go for about two hours almost every day. The phones in the motels were always disconnected and the door was locked from the outside. I'd given up trying to escape, in fear that they would come back and catch me._

_In this particular motel room, there was a TV, and since they didn't ban me from watching it, I sat at the end of the bed and switched it on. The first channel I stopped on was the news…. For obvious reasons._

"_**The hunt for Anastasia Steele continues. Family and friends refuse to give up, with their optimistic views on this unfortunate situation. There has, however, been a lead. Just two weeks ago, FBI had an anonymous tip-off that Miss Steele was being held in the basement of an old Heritage house in Seattle along with Prison escapee Joshua Jones, who was sentenced to a life sentence in 2006 for 1**__**st**__** degree murder and rape. Miss Steele was not found in the house, however hair particles and blood that was quickly identified as Miss Steele's was found in the basement. Later on that same day, Jack Hyde's body was found no less than 5 miles away from the same house. The investigation for missing person, Anastasia Steele is still in effect. If you have any news, about Miss Steele or Joshua Jones, please contact the FBI on 882-111. On other news…"**_

_End of flashback*_

I knew then to be on my best behaviour, no more smartass remarks and no more questions. Jones wouldn't hesitate to kill me if I stepped out of line once, his prison sentence proved that much to me. And after seeing that, I gained a bit of hope that I might be found soon, especially if we're heading into the city when Jones's face and my own is plastered all over the daily news.

I just hope they hadn't seen the news yet, otherwise they know of it. If they hadn't, they just might be stupid enough to go dead in the city. I'm counting on this. They sure don't seem very bright, after all.

Their voices became loud enough that I could now make out their conversation.

"He promised to leave the money in bags; he said he wouldn't be there," Blonde said. He was the one driving.

"And you believe him?" Jones sounded pissed off. "He'll probably have a million FEDS and cops lined around the building."

A wave of confusion washed over me. Are they talking about Christian? Is this why we're heading into the city? They must have arranged a place to get their ransom. After the confusion, there was relief. I can go home!

"And we'll have her. Trust me; he won't try anything while a gun is pointed to that sluts head."

Jones let out a hearty laugh. "I call dibs on holding the gun. I can't wait to blow her head off."

My relief was short-lived.

A harsh blow to the back of my head brought me back to consciousness. I was tied to a chair in what looked like an empty warehouse. Christian wasn't anywhere in sight. I thought they had arranged to get money?!

"He didn't want to come," Jones smirked, crouching down in front of me. He held a handgun in his hand, bringing it up to rest against my cheek. The cold metal made my blood run cold. "Cancelled, said he doesn't care if you die or not."

While I didn't actually believe it, his words still poked at a weak spot and my pulse sped up. Did Christian actually cancel? Why would he come this far only to back out now? Fuck, I can't deal with all this shit.

"Let's have some fun with her." Jones stood abruptly, lifting the green shirt over his head.

I fought then, knowing what he was thinking. I tugged at whatever was holding my wrists down behind the chair and pushed my body from side to side violently. My palms grew sweaty and I opened my mouth to scream when Jones punched me right across the jaw.

The hit sent me flying backward in the chair, my head slammed against the hard floorboards. I could taste the metallic tangy taste of blood in my mouth and I wondered for a second what a mess I'd look like.

Blonde finally showed his presence, yanking Jones's away from me and whispering something to him. This turned into an argument between the two and within minutes it turned violent. First Blonde punched Jones's, which of course resulted in Jones's punching Blonde back. There were a few punches exchanged and I was trying hard to stay awake.

My head was throbbing when I heard a loud shot that echoed in my eyes. Not long after I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder followed by a scream that sounded too much like Christian. I managed to open my eyes an inch, enough to see groups of men dressed in black with guns storming in, before the darkness took over.

**A/N Not my best, so again, sorry. **


End file.
